peace . love . joy

feel like i'm on an emotional roller-coaster ride..except i dont like it..(think most of u guys know that i'm a roller-coaster freak and an adrenaline junkie wannabe..onli thg keeping me back is my mum not wanting me to do those stuff that is dangerous..)

i dont like it at all.

the hype and excitement of a new school..new friends..new classes..new structure..it is all gone..blown away..feels so long ago..

i feel as though my outer layers..the coverings i wove for myself..to protect myself frm hurts others cld inflict either knowingly or unknowingly to me..fake armour..like a fake door in pyramids..open that door and one comes to a complete halt..facing a stone wall..a dead end..

i feel bare..naked..tired..stupid..ridiculous..

if i cry now, it'd be the second time i've cried since i've started school in NTU..

i dunno..jus feel so alone..

guess i was right after all..i do NEED campus crusade..no matter how much i dont feel like joining it..i think i must..i should..i shall..

i know i must plough on..and i shall plough on..for gOd's sake..

i know He wants me in Uni..i know it must be NTU..i know it must be sociology..

who am i to argue with His word?

who am i to deny His faithfulness?

who am i to stand defiant to His will?

i am thankful for OJ..i am thankful for the lessons i've learnt..i am thankful for being able to remember what i've learnt..

i am blessed.

i jus want so much..

but only gOd knows (not even i know) exactly what i need when i need..and He knows how to give and supply..

dont give me things i cant take..dont give me fictitious ideas i cant let go of..

Psalm 77
i cried out to gOd for help;
i cried out to gOd to hear me.
when i was in distress, i sought the Lord;
at night i stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

i remembered You, O gOd, and i groaned;
i mused, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing;
i was too troubled to speak.
i thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
i remembered my songs in the night.
my heart mused and my spirit inquired;

"will the Lord reject forever?
will He never show His favour again?
has His unfailing love vanished forever?
has His promise failed for all time?
has gOd forgotten to be merciful?
has He in anger withfeld His compassion?"

then i thought, "to this i will appeal;
the years of the right hand of the Most
High."
i will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, i will remember Your miracles of long ago.
i will meditate on all Your works
and consider all Your mighty deeds.

Your ways, O gOd, are holy.
what gOd is so great as our gOd?
You are the gOd who performs miracles;
You display Your power among the
peoples.
with Your mighty arm You redeemed Your
people,
the descendents of Jacob and Joseph.

the waters saw You, O gOd,
the waters saw You and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
the clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
Your arrows flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
Your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the sea,
Your way through the mighty waters,
though Your footprints were not seen.

You led Your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

i will exalt You, my God and King;
i will praise Your name forever and ever.
everyday i will praise You
and extol Your name forever and ever.

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
His greatness noone can fathom.
one generation will commend Your works to another;
they will tell of Your mighty acts.
they will speak of the glorious splendor of Your majesty,
and i will meditate on Your wonderful works.

they will tell of the power of Your awesome works,
and i will proclaim Your great deeds.
they will celebrate Your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all;
He has compassion on all He has made.
all You have made will praise You, O Lord;
Your saints will extol You.
they will tell of the glory of Your kingdom and speak of Your might,
so that all men may know of Your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of Your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and Your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is faithful to all His promises
and loving toward all He has made.
The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
the eyes of all look to You,
and You give them their food at the proper time.
You open Your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all His ways
and loving toward all He has made.
The Lord is near to all who call on Him,
to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
let every creature praise His holy name
forever and ever.

~ Psalm 145 ( a psalm of praise. Of David)

yoyo~!!

jus done with second week of school..i onli have classes frm monday thru to thursday..thank gOd!!

u know wad..gOd's amazing planning & organisation skills nv ceases to amaze me..He jus did it again!!..or rather..i jus realised it..again..

see..there's this Young Methodiest Leader's Conference to be held on the 8th - 10th Sept..that's friday to sunday at Holiday Inn Batam..

i was informed of this conference arnd july..so i wasnt too sure about going..cos it falls on one schoolday..and surprise!..i dont wanna miss ny lessons because of that conference..dont get me wrong..i dont mind serving gOd in ministry..i luvvit, actually (i'm not gonna go into that now)..

but not bad, huh..a ponner who doesnt wanna skip school??..how cool izzat?? =p

anyways..i asked gOd whether or not i shld go..cos pple arnd me kept asking me to sign up..i dunno y..isit that crucial that i go?..does the church realli wanna invest in me (they're paying $250..all i have to fork out is $20)?..hmmm..

i guess i asked without expecting any answer..i half made-up my mind not to go..

know wad?..gOd answered my question..

His answer was ," go!"

at first, my timetable was a 5-day week..then, because the enrolment for the one and onli class i have on fridays was too small, they cancelled the class and slotted us into other different tutorial grps for that subj..my slot was a thursay 10.30-12.30 slot..

in other words, my fridays ( at least for this sem) are free..

in other words, gOd was kinda telling me ," Look, now there's no reason wadsoever for you to hide behind and not go for YMLC."

who am i to disobey?

i signed up for it..

gOd even had a room-mate in mind for me!..

Puiki msged me, and asked if we cld bunk tgd in a room for that conference..

cool, huh!!

it's like, gOd doesnt jus look at the BIG picture..He works out the details too!!

how awesome is our gOd??

if gOd plans out the little segments of my life for me, even makes it such that i dont feel too uncomfortable..i am pretty sure i can trust Him for the rest of my life..

i'm at the point where i'm learning to leave evrythg in gOd's hands..i dont wanna run my life..i want gOd to run my life..

learning to surrender your entire life to gOd isnt easy..there are thgs that are super duper difficult for us to let go off..

but gOd's patient and He'll teach us..if we let Him..

expecting great thgs for my life..great in your standards, gOd, not mine..gonna bring along my teachable heart and mind and soul to YMLC (not that i dont travel with it daily) !! Teach me!!

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Savior
i know for sure all of my days are held in Your hands
crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me into Your presence
guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
teach me Dear Lord to live all my life
thru Your eyes

i'm captured by Your holy calling
set me apart, i know You're drawing me to Yourself
teach me, Lord, i pray

take me
mould me
use me
fill me
i give my life to the Potter's hand

call me
guide me
lead me
walk beside me
i give my life to the Potter's hand

~ Hillsong United

gOd bLEsS

me

on thursday evening 10082006, i attended this talk in FMC about hearing gOd's voice by Dr. Richard Blackaby (s'y i didnt go for crossroads in NTU with campus crusade)..

in the advert, it said "Hearing God's Voice , How to recognize God's voice and respond in obedience"..

honestly, i didnt want to go..because how does anyone know wad gOd's voice sounds like?..is there a checklist that goes like "isit loud or a whisper? isit a deep voice or a high nasal sly one?"..so i wasnt too sure i wanted to hear this guy out..another reason why i didnt wanna go was because of my mum..she insisted that we ALL (all 4 of us siblings) must attend it..i dont realli appreciate it when she goes all authoritatv abt these thgs..to me, christianity is a lifestyle, not so much a religion..it cannot be forced..you can persuade and sway pple to adopt the lifestyle and to begin a relatnship with gOd, but u cannot push that person..i was basically being childish la..didnt want to obey my mum for wadever silly reason..

in the end, i went..with the attitude "let's see wad u've got to say, mister"..

after hearing wad he had to say and how he presented his arguements, i have to say i was slightly disappointed..

he was a great speaker..oozing with charisma, tall, animated, able to hold your interest for til he's done..brilliant..

but he didnt exactly answer the qn : how to recognize gOd's voice

he narrated lovely stories taken frm his life with his family..(they're real..he didnt make it up)..and i appreciate that..bcos they did explain the points he was trying to bring across to us..he told us why we shld keep an open ear for gOd's voice, why we shld react in obedience..but he didnt ans the qn that i thought wld b important and useful..

but then again, how do u ans that qn??..i dunno..

o wel..beggars must not be choosers..(jus felt like typing that)..

i'm grateful for him taking time out to cm over to s'pore to speak to us..even tho he'd jus arrived frm the US at 1+ in the morn on that day itself, he stil fought jetlag and spoke with gusto..

thanks lots Dr. Blackaby!!! =D

o, guys, if u have any chance to hear him speak, go!!..

even if he doesnt exactly ans the qn he was asked to speak abt, there's lots more to learn..he's got lots to offer =]

he co-writes books too, with his dad, Henry Blackaby..mebe i'l start reading them..

see wad lessons gOd wants to teach me =p

gOd bLEsS

me

it's national day today!!..HAPPY NATIONAL DAY Y'ALL !!

first and second day of school (NTU) was interesting, scary and exciting..

meet interesting pple who ask for your name \ ask u qns about urself and not return the courtesy of revealing their own answers to their qns..information gets wired one way..i dont realli like that..i dunno..find it harder to get to know pple that way..but it's interesting why they do that..hmmm..

i jus timed myself..food (a good meal) will keep my stomach quiet for approx 3 hrs max b4 it starts grumbling audibly again..it's super embarrassing when that happens..so thank gOd that i onli have 2 3-hr blocks of lesson w/o break in btwn and not 4 hrs..i know mahes has a 4 hr one..good luck, girl!!..

i think gOd's realli looking out for me (not that he hasnt been)..as in i can sense it and i can see it..perhaps he's lifted the veil of darkness and ignorance frm my eyes so i can see more clearly..i dunno..

apologies to emay..i'm gonna copy your format jus this once..

i thank gOd for

• surrounding me with so many good (as in hardworking & open & easy-to-get-along-with) friends..
• giving me at the most a 3-hr long breakless block of lessons in my timetable
• the return of my voice so i can sing songs to gOd
• nice & pleasant teachers \ lecturers
• being with me and calming me down when i'm a bundle of nerves each morning b4 school

i wrote a song to gOd..but it's not that nice..but i hope He likes it all the same..cos i did try real hard..

Lord be my light and lift the veil of darkness from my eyes

Lord light my path so i can walk head held high and not stumble

Lord be my light house on the shore

so You can guide me safely home

that's the chorus of the song i wrote "Lighthouse on the Shore"..mebe i'l post the verses another time..

gOd bLEsS

me

Lord it was You who
created the heavens

Lord it was Your hand
that put the stars in their place

Lord it was Your voice
that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves
they bow at Your feet

Lord who am i compared to Your glory
O Lord?

Lord who am i compared to Your majesty?

i'm Your beloved
Your creation
and You loved me as i am

You've called me chosen
for Your kingdom
unashamed to call me Your own

i'm Your beloved

i feel so tired!!..*yawn*..

jus spent the whole day reading and re-reading the HSS guide to matriculation and registration of subj..matriculating..and coming up with a list of subj i plan on taking in NTU..

i wanna minor in psychology..but for this sem, no vacancy..so cant take it..at least for this sem =]

so exciting!!..Uni life's gonna be a lil different than JC life..cant wait for it to start!!..and yet..i dont want it to start..hmmm..so fickle minded am i..i loathe fickle-mindedness..sigh..

o wels

had a lil conversation with hannah today over msn..nv realli talked to her online b4..hmmm..anyway, we were talking bout how we cant rely entirely on feelings when it comes to gOd-related issues..like serving Him..and keeping the faith..and passion for ministry..

for your benefit..since i onli told hannah and puiki and sijia..i've been feeling abit dry (that's the closest wrd i can come up with to pinpoint how i was..stil am..but getting better) since last monday, 240706..

dry as in..i feel nthg when i do my daily bread..when i attend the sec 2 bs..when i attend my own pcm (smallgrp) bs..nthg..no emotions at all..i didnt make it out into a senseless ritual, okay..i know why i worship..i know why i praise..i know why i pray..i know why i should serve and therefore i do..i go thru with the activities and all because i know it makes gOd happy..and i know it's also because i should be doing it..out of gratitude for evrythg (and that's ALOT) he's done for me..so i wld say i do it for the right reasons..jus that there's no emotional attachment..there's no emotions at all..not even boredom running thru my veins and arteries nor even my capillaries..nada..zilch..

we (hannah and i) agreed that we cannot rely 100% on feelings in our christian walk..because, we as humans, are fickle-minded..and we lose interest sooner or later..

then i said that even tho i felt nthg when i do thgs that i know please gOd..and i did it because i realli wanted to please Him..even tho i felt absolutely nthg, gOd amazingly spoke to me..

when i was at the campus crusade camp, i felt fear..u may think me silly, but i was scared..i've nv said the room cleansing prayer b4..and when i did with my roommate, shareen (cos she suggested it)..my overactv imagination started to wrk like crazy..images and conversations flooded my mind..scary ones..like the devil-children frm Passion of the Christ..stuff like that..it freaked me out..seriously..i open my eyes and i see them coming to life..i close my eyes and i see the images..in color..dancing b4 my eyes..like wad Frodo said.."i can see them..with my waking eye..i'm naked in the dark.."

all i cld think of was to pray..that gOd will look after me and give me peace..to let me slp..a rhyme crept into my mind..a prayer my mum taught me..

"now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the Lord my soul to keep..if i should die before i wake, i pray the Lord my soul to take..may angels watch me through the night and wake me with the morning light..gOd's love stay with me through the night and keep me safe til morning's light..Jesus tender shepherd hear me, bless thy little lamb tonight..through the darkness be thou near me, keep me safe til morning light.."

then smhow..i felt gOd's arms around me..like an enveloping peace..i cld hear gOd whisper " nthg can touch you, dear..ure safe..go to sleep"..dont ask me how i heard it..but i jus did..so i slpt..quite well too, mind u =D

hannah said smthg i thought was interesting..she said "smtyms we want emotions in order to be close to gOd, but gOd can do it the other way round..that is smhow speak to us, bring us closer to Him, and the emotions come after"..

and she said that because i cld stil hear gOd..and be receptv to his still whisper, it shows i'm not far frm gOd even tho i feel like it..

dont give up, those who are like me now..i'm slowly learning to feel for gOd again..with gOd's fantastic help and with the powerful prayers of friends..

we arent as far frm gOd as we smtimes make ourselves out to be..

gOd is always by our side in a flash when we need him..remember the post on Jesus being at Peter's side and immediately stretching out his hand to grasp Peter's when Peter started to drown? (Matthew 14:31)..Help comes to us IMMEDIATELY..thank gOd we're His children =D

gOd's always ready when ure ready..take a time out..talk to gOd..pour out evrythg to Him..

He's the best psychologist..the best listener..the best doctor..the best friend..

He's my personal super hero!!

thank you gOd..

dear gOd, i pray that u help me to revive the passion to serve you once again and i pray for others who are in the same boat as i am..i ask that u prompt us to search within ourselves, to find the root problem why we are like that..and i pray that u solve it with us..thank you Lord for evrythg u've done for me..may i be eternally grateful..i love you..amen

gOd bLEsS

me