peace . love . joy

This year's Young Methodist Leaders Conference was held at Pulai Springs Resort, Johor from the 5th of September to the 7th.

I went there with a somewhat cloudy but definitely tired and weary, and heavy heart. Last year in a bid to become more and more like Christ, to become a young woman after God's own heart, I prayed for Him to highlight things about myself that He doesn't like; things He wants changed. Guess what? He answered my prayer. And trust me, I did not like what I saw and am seeing. I also asked that He show me how and what to change into.

Nearing the time for YMLC, my walk with Him was still pretty shabby, like a stupid roller coaster ride with lots of peaks and dips that wouldn't stop. I wanted to spend time with Him, learn more about Him, talk with Him and all. But somehow, my desire was never realised. I felt I was hitting a brick wall. And I give up time and time again to try to crack that wall. I didn't know what the problem was. I wanted to pump my muscle-less legs as fast and hard as they'd go and propel myself back by the One whose side I so long to be next to. I really did. But somehow, I could not...

On the second day of YMLC, I decided to try again. I opened my Quiet Time materials and picked up where I last left off. And I knew:

I am not comfortable with silence in prayer.

Jesus spent much of His time with God in prayer. There are many instances where it was written Jesus spent much of His time seeking God in all-night prayer sessions. But those accounts merely cease there. We read very few words in those sessions. So we can assume that Jesus did much listening. But listening not just for God's words in response and answer to worries and cares. Prayer for Jesus seemed to have been a time for simply sharing in God the Father's presence, listening to the silence of His breathing.
Jesus' life of prayer teaches us to not only listen for words; we must learn too to listen to the silence.

I realised that whenever I pray or sing songs to God, I expect God to respond with His voice and words and images and visions and touch...but never silence. I tend to feel neglected and cast aside whenever my questioning, seeking voice is answered with silence. And so everytime I talk to God and I hear nothing, I get discouraged. Which for me, leads to giving up, that is, my prayer life, communication with God comes to a halt, jeapordising my relationship with God.

Silence during prayer is something I must learn.

So I prayed that morning. And got silence on God's part. Not even a smile.
And then I laid down on the couch and listened to the silence.

You know what?
God honored my resolution to learn to listen to silence, my desperation to run back into His presence.
He honored my decision to pick up and try try again.

For the rest of the day jam-packed with 630 am morning prayer, morning worship, morning sermon, full-time leadership talk, mentor group discussion, two afternoon workshops and an evening service, I felt God's presence and His Fire (!)

Though He was silent right until the evening service, I knew He was there walking with me from venue to venue, listening as I spoke to different people, sitting with me through the various segments. I knew.

Now I know why I adamantly stuck with the "Going Deeper in Worship" workshop despite many asking me why I chose that over the "Plunging into a Life of Ceaseless Prayer" and "Digging into the Word & Loving every bit of it". Though the points presented were not new to me, I sensed the overpowering presence of God in that room. Honest! I almost cried...
I was brought there by God for that purpose: to feel His presence while He is keeping silent. To know He hears me and sees me and knows, and be content with His choice of keeping silent. To know that His silence does not equate to Him not being here with me. It does not mean that I am forgotten.

It's still something new for me, but I am learning.

I am learning to listen to the silence.

How's your soul (ie. relationship with God)?

If it's going great, great! Keep at it! Never trade it for a guilty pleasure or for laziness. It is far too valuable for that.

If it's not going good, why? Is there something standing in the way? Is there something that must be removed? Or is there something that must be added to you, like the knowledge and lesson of listening to God's choice of silence for me?

Just how resolved and desperate are you resolved in seeking the Beautiful and Worthy One?