peace . love . joy

Today God told me something that I won't forget for a very very long time. In fact, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I've been a teacher of the Christian faith for some time already, and one of the things we teach is forgiveness as specified in the Bible. That we are to forgive just as we have been forgiven. Let me tell you something; I have never wanted to teach this lesson at all. I mean I believe in it, I believe that we should forgive simply because we are called to forgive, I believe it is important, but I personally never want to lead a lesson in forgiveness because I have never experienced it before. And because I have never experienced it before, by that I mean I have never consciously told myself to forgive someone, I never felt as though I had to forgive because somehow I always manage to turn the blame onto myself and blame myself for whatever predicament I find myself in, though I have asked people for forgiveness, I believe that I can never teach forgiveness as best I can. I can never teach forgiveness in its totality as best seen by man.

Well, I can now.

Events of yesterday, exchanges over dinner made me fantastically mad at two people - my father and one of my brothers. I felt that what they said was totally out of line and uncalled for and just plain mean. I did not feel I did anything wrong. And even after numerous playbacks of what happened, I sincerely could not find any fault committed on my part (and you know that I am one who can somehow blame myself for everything that's gone wrong). And last night, during the drive home, God asked me twice to forgive them. I told Him to wait. He said okay, but to let Him know how it all finishes up before I sleep.

I didn't get back to God last night.

So today, God found me in school.
I was walking alone from the South spine to the North in school today and as I walked, I was kind of negotiating with God.

"Forgive them, Megan."
I can't. I'd like to, but I can't. How can I when I feel so wronged? When they haven't even asked me for forgiveness? When they pretend that all is all right when all is not all right?

"You've got it all wrong, man. Forgiveness has got nothing to do with the people whom you are to forgive. They are not in the equation at all."
What?

"The only two entities in the equation are you and me. How much do you love me?"
So much, God, so much...

"So much...that you will do what I ask of you even if it's hard?"
...yes...?

"Then forgive because you love me."
ahhhh...I...forgive.

And I can't explain this but I felt as though I could breathe again, as though I was Atlas and the whole globe has been lifted off my aching shoulders.

Wow.

God, bring the work that You have begun to completion within me.