peace . love . joy

I'm sorry. I haven't been updating this space for quite a while and I apologise. I really did want to tell you everything I've learnt from Stephen, and I still really do want to. But I feel at this point, I need to interrupt and tell you why I have not been updating.

Laziness.

It's not that I've not the time. It's that I've chosen to do other things like watching YouTube instead of this. It's a painful confession especially since I'm confessing to all who read this. I've chosen to indulge in pleasures of the world, rather than to sit and think and ponder on, about and with God and thereby spend time with God, thereby glorifying Him, thereby making Him smile. I confess I've not been diligent in my walk with God. I'm in this cycle where I can't seem to find a way out. I go for days being far from God and then come back to Him by His grace and mercy and forgiveness, and above all love, only to depart from Him and His wonderful presence yet again. It sucks.

I desperately want out of this circle. I want to reside for ever in His presence, never away from Him. I honestly, seriously, painfully do.

But somehow, I find myself stuck in the gutters. Like I'm the water in tje drain. I flow along the path of the drain underground, stale with rotting garbage, terrifying with spashes and unknown squeaks and voices, light-less. And then occassionally, I see the sky through the grates of a metal drain cover. But somehow, I'm stuck in that terrible drainage system.

This is not new to me, and I'm sure it's not new to many, if not all of you, Christians. But what strikes me as unfamiliar is the rate at which this new cycle is spinning at. It is unprecendented. It spins at a frequency far greater than I've ever experienced before. And I seriously, honestly, painfully want it to stop. I want to break free of that vicious, thick and solid ring.

Why am I in it in the first place, you ask.

Guilt.

When I disobey God, even more so when I disobey in full consciousness that what I am doing is not right in God's eyes, I come away feeling guilty. My personal response to guilt is to draw away, and so, I draw away from God. This never solves the problem. It only serves to further exacerbate it, it only serves to further torment me in my misery. But somehow, it comes so naturally to me, this drawing away because of guilt. Only recently have I begun this really tiring and strenuous activity of purposefully coming back to God even in my guilt. But it takes a lot out of me.

One day, while I was in the showers crying, in between my stupid sobs, I asked God why. Why is this all happening to me. Why is it now of all times. Why am I in this mess after such a good history together, being close with one another.

God answered me right there as my naked, trembling body stood slouched beneath the piercing pitter-patter of jetted water from the shower-head.

It never ceases to amaze me. No, it never does. That God, my wonderful, creative, loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious, beautiful, hurting, sad Father should choose to still speak to me even after I've hurt Him, even after I've purposefully drawn away from Him. He still chooses to speak to me.

God told me that I am going through this not only to make me stronger, to make me learn perseverence, learn to love Him and remain faithful to Him, learn to take hold of my reactions to my emotions,
I am going through this to tell other people about it.

To tell them to always come back to Him.
Even when we feel that we're not up to it, even when we're too lazy, even when we feel we, far worse than poop, don't deserve to even look at the light rays emanating from His being. We are to always come back to Him. No matter how many times, we have to. No matter how hard it is, we have to.
He reminded me of the book of Judges. Israel strayed, but each time she strayed, she was restored back to her rightful place: by His side.

To tell them to remember the first time.
Remember your emotions that coursed through your veins and arteries and capillaries that stretch and originate from your heart, meeting every cell in your body. Remember what happened between you and Him. Remember the first time you said "I love you too, God."

To tell them to never stop talking to Him.
My mentor, in preparation for our meeting today over tea, was talking with God, asking Him what He wants me to know through her. She didn't know exactly what I was going through, but she knew I was having a hard time, a dry time. She knew I was walking in the desert and desperately want out. And it hit her: communication with God must never cease.
When we cry out to Him, even in our miserable states, He hears us, and will answer us, but it's only when we cry desperately out to Him that our ears are especially receptive because we so long to hear Him. And that's how we know that He is speaking to us, that's how we know His indescribably wonderful character.

I've always known that being a Christian, yes, even in such a society as Singapore, where there are no institutions nor state-level threats against my faith, is hard. In fact, it is because Singapore is so comfortable, that it is hard. So many tantalizing messages to be lazy, so many tempting vibes to not struggle and be comfortable, so many effortless distractions.

But I know that it is worthwhile.
I know this because God has made Himself so irrefutably real to me, because God has time and time again told me and showed me that He loves me and knows me by name and face and mannerisms and likes and dislikes even amongst the multitude of His creations, because God is Truth.

So here I am, in the midst of my suffering and trial, standing, though barely, alive, though surviving, encouraging you to keep on keeping on.
To always come back to Him,
To remember the first time you met Him,
To never stop talking to & with Him.

But you must first decide if it, He is worth your while, your effort, your sweat, your tears.

Father,

I pray for these my brothers and sisters in you. I pray especially for those who are struggling right now as I am. Whoever they are, wherever they are, whatever their circumstances, I lift them up to you. I pray, God, that they be encouraged and know they are not alone in this good struggle, this good race, this painful journey to take our rightful places specially reserved for us with our names scratched out on it in Heaven by Your side. Father, take our hand, each one of ours, and lead us, accompany us as we search our souls and beings, as we decide if this truly is a worthwhile cause. Lord, I pray that we always always come back to You, we never forget the first time we met You, the first time we knowingly reached out to You and You reached down lifting us like giggling infants. Lord, I pray that we never stop talking to You. I pray You send us encouragement when we need it so bad, I pray You finish the work You first began in each one of us, I pray we never stop loving You back.

I trust You. I trust all that You do.

I love You, Father.

We love You.

Even as you and I, we can't seem to see the end of the smelly, scary, dark labrynth of the underground drain system, know that all drains lead to the ocean; no grails between us and the Heavens, no more darkness except the comforting peace of the night.