peace . love . joy

I am nearing the end of this particular exposition.. At least for now unless and until God shows me more to explore.

I will be turning two and twenty come October this year. Two and twenty years (not to mention the approximately nine months in my mother's womb) of existence. We learn and are taught to stand on our own two feet, to be independent. And now, as I am writing this overseas, in the room allocated me by the university, away from my family, away from my parents, I am thrust into the world, far from the comfort and familiarity of home, having to learn to be on my own. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about being taught to fend for oneself! Indeed, it might even be thought good because our earthly companions, parents, siblings, family, friends, acquaintences, will all fade and fall away. They cannot be with us forever, at least not while we are here on Earth. We cannot take for granted that we shall always have them with us.

I am reminded by my little cousin, especially seven-year-old Aren, that when I was little, I relied entirely upon my parents. I relied on them for the boring necessities of life, my education, my enrichment, my health, my food, water, shelter, my toys, my protectors, my "chauffeurs", my disciplinarians, my ATM machines.. I needed them. Strange how of all creatures, we, human beings, are but one of the relatively few species whose young are born utterly defenseless and reliant on their parents. No bright markings pigment our skin to warn off hungry predators nor changing colours to camoflage, no sharp beaks nor kicking hooves, no tails to swim away nor wings to fly, no stiff cocoon to snuggle in nor ink to confuse. We are, as they say, sitting ducks. We cannot even stand on our own feet!

Even our emotions, feelings of worth, etc. These were dependent in our first years, at the very least, on our parents. Our feelings were hinged almost, if not so directly onto theirs, onto their actions. We value their displays of love, their help, their provision for our leisure.. I remember my parents tirelessly taking me to the library which was at Marine Parade week after week to feed my voracious reading appetite. I remember holding up a whole apple to my mother who sat in our sunken TV area in our Toh Crescent home, asking her to help me because I couldn't take one measely bite out of the smooth and hard surface (my mouth was too small to have a good grasp of it!). She'd take it from me, and taking a bite, passed me the bit that she chewed off and the rest of the apple back. I'd be so happy because now I can eat my apple, starting from the concave jagged groove that my mother had made for me. I remember being so terrified after watching Jurassic Park that I daren't go up to my room alone to sleep. In my parents' absence, my grandmother would take me up and sit with me until I fell alseep.

I felt so secure in my status in life in terms of survival, my position amongst my family and friends from Kindergarten and the neighborhood because of what they did. I did not deserve nor earned any of it. I was not the most well-behaved of children, nor was I the handsomest. But my parents and uncles and aunts and grandparents especially all showered me with love and affection such that I was content.

Today, while I, a person who places high significance on her family still and probably always will, do depend to some extent on my family for my needs, I am growing increasingly independent, feeling that I have to earn merit, earn respect, earn tokens which I may redeem to add to my sense of worth. My mental and emotional constitutions, gradually increasingly dependent on my pride and self-precribed worth, become more and more complicated to appease, seeking approval of wider society and networks more vast, than just my parents, family & close friends. Quite a way from when I was a child, and the world revolved around my small circle of people.

There is nothing wrong with growing independence, for your Earthly parents cannot be with you forever. It cannot be that should they die, you lose all sense of self and decide to live not a moment longer. And as they age, the disc-like table will rotate, and you, their child, will now be holding the bowl and spoon, while they, your parents, will be sitting in the babyseat, now dependent on you. Remembering the past, when you were the babe and they were your guardians, how will you then treat them?

But there is one parent who indeed begs you forever to rely on Him, to be totally and absolutely dependent on Him. He wrings His hands in desperate hopes that you will tie your future with Him, attach your affections and emotions to His.

As we learn to be independent on Earth with regards to our Earthly society, realising where and in whom we once placed our entire faith and trust and life are not eternal constants, learn also to be dependent on the Father, the One who is eternal and the same always, the Rock, the High Tower, the Shield, the Gardener, the Provider, the Lover, the King, God.

Turn back the clock, neglect your down-trodden feelings of unworthiness, for we will never be found worthy of such a Relation. Allow them to lurk such that they keep you grounded and humble, but no more than that. Instead trust that He has the power and the authority to grant us everything we shall need in His perfect timing and way, and at times even what we want. Trust and lay back in His perfect parenting, His deep knowledge of each individual us, & His never-dying love for His creation.

Be a child, the child that to Him you always will be, and let the world revolve, as it rightfully should, around Him.
Be the Leaning Tower against His strong and mighty hand.

' Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices! '

~ Psalm 37: 3-7