peace . love . joy

And the high priest said, “Are these things so?”

And Stephen said:

Brothers and fathers, hear me. The God of glory appeared to our father Abraham when he was in Mesopotamia, before he lived in Haran, and said to him, ‘Go out from your land and from your kindred and go into the land that I will show you.’ Then he went out from the land of the Chaldeans and lived in Haran. And after his father died, God removed him from there into this land in which you are now living. Yet he gave him no inheritance in it, not even a foot's length, but promised to give it to him as a possession and to his offspring after him, though he had no child. And God spoke to this effect—that his offspring would be sojourners in a land belonging to others, who would enslave them and afflict them four hundred years. ‘But I will judge the nation that they serve,’ said God, ‘and after that they shall come out and worship me in this place.’ And he gave him the covenant of circumcision. And so Abraham became the father of Isaac, and circumcised him on the eighth day, and Isaac became the father of Jacob, and Jacob of the twelve patriarchs.

“And the patriarchs, jealous of Joseph, sold him into Egypt; but God was with him and rescued him out of all his afflictions and gave him favor and wisdom before Pharaoh, king of Egypt, who made him ruler over Egypt and over all his household. Now there came a famine throughout all Egypt and Canaan, and great affliction, and our fathers could find no food. But when Jacob heard that there was grain in Egypt, he sent out our fathers on their first visit. And on the second visit Joseph made himself known to his brothers, and Joseph's family became known to Pharaoh. And Joseph sent and summoned Jacob his father and all his kindred, seventy-five persons in all. And Jacob went down into Egypt, and he died, he and our fathers, and they were carried back to Shechem and laid in the tomb that Abraham had bought for a sum of silver from the sons of Hamor in Shechem.

“But as the time of the promise drew near, which God had granted to Abraham, the people increased and multiplied in Egypt until there arose over Egypt another king who did not know Joseph. He dealt shrewdly with our race and forced our fathers to expose their infants, so that they would not be kept alive. At this time Moses was born; and he was beautiful in God's sight. And he was brought up for three months in his father's house, and when he was exposed, Pharaoh's daughter adopted him and brought him up as her own son. And Moses was instructed in all the wisdom of the Egyptians, and he was mighty in his words and deeds.

“When he was forty years old, it came into his heart to visit his brothers, the children of Israel. And seeing one of them being wronged, he defended the oppressed man and avenged him by striking down the Egyptian. He supposed that his brothers would understand that God was giving them salvation by his hand, but they did not understand. And on the following day he appeared to them as they were quarreling and tried to reconcile them, saying, ‘Men, you are brothers. Why do you wrong each other?’ But the man who was wronging his neighbor thrust him aside, saying, ‘Who made you a ruler and a judge over us? Do you want to kill me as you killed the Egyptian yesterday?’ At this retort Moses fled and became an exile in the land of Midian, where he became the father of two sons.

“Now when forty years had passed, an angel appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai, in a flame of fire in a bush. When Moses saw it, he was amazed at the sight, and as he drew near to look, there came the voice of the Lord: ‘I am the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham and of Isaac and of Jacob.’ And Moses trembled and did not dare to look. Then the Lord said to him, ‘Take off the sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy ground. I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt, and have heard their groaning, and I have come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send you to Egypt.’

“This Moses, whom they rejected, saying, ‘Who made you a ruler and a judge?’—this man God sent as both ruler and redeemer by the hand of the angel who appeared to him in the bush. This man led them out, performing wonders and signs in Egypt and at the Red Sea and in the wilderness for forty years. This is the Moses who said to the Israelites, ‘God will raise up for you a prophet like me from your brothers.’ This is the one who was in the congregation in the wilderness with the angel who spoke to him at Mount Sinai, and with our fathers. He received living oracles to give to us. Our fathers refused to obey him, but thrust him aside, and in their hearts they turned to Egypt, saying to Aaron, ‘Make for us gods who will go before us. As for this Moses who led us out from the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.’ And they made a calf in those days, and offered a sacrifice to the idol and were rejoicing in the works of their hands. But God turned away and gave them over to worship the host of heaven, as it is written in the book of the prophets:

“Our fathers had the tent of witness in the wilderness, just as he who spoke to Moses directed him to make it, according to the pattern that he had seen. Our fathers in turn brought it in with Joshua when they dispossessed the nations that God drove out before our fathers. So it was until the days of David, who found favor in the sight of God and asked to find a dwelling place for the God of Jacob. But it was Solomon who built a house for him. Yet the Most High does not dwell in houses made by hands, as the prophet says,


“You stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears, you always resist the Holy Spirit. As your fathers did, so do you. Which of the prophets did your fathers not persecute? And they killed those who announced beforehand the coming of the Righteous One, whom you have now betrayed and murdered, you who received the law as delivered by angels and did not keep it.”

Now when they heard these things they were enraged, and they ground their teeth at him. But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. And he said, “Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” But they cried out with a loud voice and stopped their ears and rushed together at him. Then they cast him out of the city and stoned him. And the witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul. And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

Annabile Carracci
The Martyrdom of Stephen (1603-1604: Oil on Canvas)
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Before we embarked on our journey to Johor for YMLC, each of us wrote on a piece of paper expectations we had for this conference.

On my piece of paper, I wrote down three things:
One. To understand what it means to have God perpetually in my mind, but still be able to do other things, like studying and preparations for ministry, and not just do them, but concentrate on them.
Two. To learn the ways to be beautiful in God's eyes.
Three. Re-confirmation with regards to my calling & affirmation as to what I am to do next.

I tell you, God answered every one, all three of my requests. I sought His answer; He answered. I sought His instruction; He instructed. I sought His confirmation; He confirmed. Fantastic.

God did not delay in answering; snatching every opportunity to minister to me, to lead me and guide me. He got to work straight away with the first sermon, beginning His long instruction in reply to my second request.

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

~ John 8: 31-32

The German Bible (Luther translation) uses the word "bleiben", which literally translates to "to stay; to remain". To "abide" is to continue to dwell in, and not stopping short at simply knowing.
In other words, Jesus instructs us to be doers of His word, practitioners of His teaching, and not just hearers of His voice.

Because transformation, that change that everyone seems to talk about when one becomes a Christian, a follower, a lover, a disciple, a friend of God Almighty, comes in the doing. It is in the active engagement that transformation is manifested. It is a test of perserverence. It is a lifelong lesson of persistence.

And what are we being transformed into?
The likeness of Christ, the Son of God, the beautiful One.
We pursue the Holy One by abiding in Him, by actively following His word. And that is the transformation. We become more and more like Him. And that, to God, is truly beautiful. The act of obedience, gratitude, reverence and love, & the product of that labour, both are captivatingly beautiful in God's eyes.

To be beautiful in God's eyes is to be relentless. To be persistent and unyielding and unrelenting and insistent and uncompromising for what is worthy of such an attitude. And who is more worthy of such passionate pursuit than God? What is more befitting of such a close-minded endeavor than the Truth itself? Than Truth Himself?

Have you seen people playing football (or soccer), basketball, etc.? To me, these are pretty intense games. But what I watch out for are the players. I love watching them play. Though for some of them, their lives may be somewhat complicated, with much to worry about, when they play, all is seemingly left on the benches, on the sidelines. The expression of focus and utmost concentration on the game, their entire being being in the game, mind, heart, body, is just so beautiful to watch.

I think it is like that for God. How much more when instead of a game, we are concentrating on Him! I think He's pretty tickled by that. To have all the spotlights focussed on Him tickles Him so because it is what He wants. And rightfully so!

But He will not force us to worship and bow down. He chose to give us choice.

Will you choose to relentlessly pursue and insist on God?

This year's Young Methodist Leaders Conference was held at Pulai Springs Resort, Johor from the 5th of September to the 7th.

I went there with a somewhat cloudy but definitely tired and weary, and heavy heart. Last year in a bid to become more and more like Christ, to become a young woman after God's own heart, I prayed for Him to highlight things about myself that He doesn't like; things He wants changed. Guess what? He answered my prayer. And trust me, I did not like what I saw and am seeing. I also asked that He show me how and what to change into.

Nearing the time for YMLC, my walk with Him was still pretty shabby, like a stupid roller coaster ride with lots of peaks and dips that wouldn't stop. I wanted to spend time with Him, learn more about Him, talk with Him and all. But somehow, my desire was never realised. I felt I was hitting a brick wall. And I give up time and time again to try to crack that wall. I didn't know what the problem was. I wanted to pump my muscle-less legs as fast and hard as they'd go and propel myself back by the One whose side I so long to be next to. I really did. But somehow, I could not...

On the second day of YMLC, I decided to try again. I opened my Quiet Time materials and picked up where I last left off. And I knew:

I am not comfortable with silence in prayer.

Jesus spent much of His time with God in prayer. There are many instances where it was written Jesus spent much of His time seeking God in all-night prayer sessions. But those accounts merely cease there. We read very few words in those sessions. So we can assume that Jesus did much listening. But listening not just for God's words in response and answer to worries and cares. Prayer for Jesus seemed to have been a time for simply sharing in God the Father's presence, listening to the silence of His breathing.
Jesus' life of prayer teaches us to not only listen for words; we must learn too to listen to the silence.

I realised that whenever I pray or sing songs to God, I expect God to respond with His voice and words and images and visions and touch...but never silence. I tend to feel neglected and cast aside whenever my questioning, seeking voice is answered with silence. And so everytime I talk to God and I hear nothing, I get discouraged. Which for me, leads to giving up, that is, my prayer life, communication with God comes to a halt, jeapordising my relationship with God.

Silence during prayer is something I must learn.

So I prayed that morning. And got silence on God's part. Not even a smile.
And then I laid down on the couch and listened to the silence.

You know what?
God honored my resolution to learn to listen to silence, my desperation to run back into His presence.
He honored my decision to pick up and try try again.

For the rest of the day jam-packed with 630 am morning prayer, morning worship, morning sermon, full-time leadership talk, mentor group discussion, two afternoon workshops and an evening service, I felt God's presence and His Fire (!)

Though He was silent right until the evening service, I knew He was there walking with me from venue to venue, listening as I spoke to different people, sitting with me through the various segments. I knew.

Now I know why I adamantly stuck with the "Going Deeper in Worship" workshop despite many asking me why I chose that over the "Plunging into a Life of Ceaseless Prayer" and "Digging into the Word & Loving every bit of it". Though the points presented were not new to me, I sensed the overpowering presence of God in that room. Honest! I almost cried...
I was brought there by God for that purpose: to feel His presence while He is keeping silent. To know He hears me and sees me and knows, and be content with His choice of keeping silent. To know that His silence does not equate to Him not being here with me. It does not mean that I am forgotten.

It's still something new for me, but I am learning.

I am learning to listen to the silence.

How's your soul (ie. relationship with God)?

If it's going great, great! Keep at it! Never trade it for a guilty pleasure or for laziness. It is far too valuable for that.

If it's not going good, why? Is there something standing in the way? Is there something that must be removed? Or is there something that must be added to you, like the knowledge and lesson of listening to God's choice of silence for me?

Just how resolved and desperate are you resolved in seeking the Beautiful and Worthy One?

Welcoming in september with a happy tune stuck in my head and a heart beating furiously with renewed vigor for God and with God.

Have fun!

love.

Our preoccupation with beauty, some insatiable hunger and unstoppable quest, that whether aware of it or not, is a reality we are all living in and out. I think there's something in each of us that yearns for beauty. Like a grand golden picture frame, the kind they use for beautiful portraits and works by old artists of the past.

Except ours is empty. An empty frame in a grand hallway in our consciousness because we know not what to fill it with. Nothing seems worthy of such a picturesque and beautiful spot.

Clear blue skies, twinkling stars, a box of chocolates, green meadows, massive cathedrals, vinyl records, the blue rider, a red dawn, raindrops of roses, and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string...

No doubt they are all beautiful in their own unique ways. But somehow, even such awesome speechless beauty doesn't hit the achy breaky spot within us. They just don't measure up to that grand golden frame.

If you don't think so deeply, that hunger, no thirst, no yearning's a better word, yearning for beauty, for things beautiful, to be beautiful, is actually a yearning for acceptence. A yearning for love. Which, if you do think about it long enough, is in fact a yearning for God.

Why?

Because He is beautiful. Because He is love.

Only He can fit that grand golden frame in our grand hallway. Remember always being told that we are created with a God-shaped hole in our hearts that only God can fill? Well, here it is. That empty grand golden frame in our grand hallway is reserved specifically, whether you know it or not, for that awesomely and terrifically beautiful God.

God's beauty is proclaimed and praised throughout the Bible. It is a biblical fact. But I realised that, at least for myself, I rarely sit and ponder His beauty, not to even mention, to long to sit and gaze upon it! I tend to praise Him for His beautiful creations: the people I meet, no matter how lovable or unlovable, the stars in the night sky as I lay on my back and stare through the window grails, the rising of a red sun as I feel the wind caress my cheek...But I somehow forget to praise Him for His beauty!

Is your grand golden frame in your grand hallway filled with the One whose beauty is eternal, is beauty, and is eternal?

I've been meaning to write about this for some time already (before a pretty someone =] did her sharing that Saturday evening during F.I.S.H.). But I wasn't, and am still not, too sure how to approach this, hence the slow action following the conception of thought. How do you talk about "beauty"? So many definitions about it. The world itself has so many that you cannot lump it altogether and say this is what the "world" says and then this is what the Bible says. Not all definitions of "this world" define beauty in its physical terms. But then, how does God define "beauty"? What is "beautiful" to Him?

People always say God looks on the "inside", and that it is the "inside" that counts. The mischievous side of me hollers "God looks at my spleen?!", haha! But the serious, inquisitive shadow of me wants to know what "inside" actually means \ refers to. How is it that God pays much attention to our spirit, our soul, our character, but also pays attention to our physical appearance? You can't deny that God also looks at our "outside". Heck, He knows the number of hairs on our head! So if I say God probably knows the shape of our eyes, the length of our colons, it's probably not impossible nor far off.

I was thinking about something last night in the shower when it hit me. Music.

Think of the music that you listen to. The kind that you yourself enjoy, or like, or even love. To your individual self, that music is beautiful. For example, I love classical European music and opera. Baroque, Classical, Romantic, etc. To me, that is the epitome of perfection achievable on Earth. To me, that genre is beautiful.

Now you cannot physically touch that music you like. Sure you can hold the manuscript, the CD, the thumbdrive, the laptop, but you can't hold the music in your hands. No doubt it is there, you can hear it, it gives you goosebumps, but you can't touch it. It is the tracks on which your roller-coaster of emotions ride, it makes you bop your head (or headbang), sway, jump, but you can't touch it.

The closest you can get to actually touching it, is touching the medium that holds it. The CD, the iPod, the laptop, the manuscript. These mediums all look different, all feel different, and are all presented differently. CD covers and sleeves have different designs, iPods are customisable (you can etch words \ drawings into them, change the color, etc.), same goes for laptops, manuscripts & books have differently designed cover pages, different manners of publishing the notes, etc. They appeal to different people. All are beautiful in their own right.

I think we're like music.

God made the physical body to house the humanly intangible soul & spirit. We sure look different on the "outside". And we are all beautiful in our own right. The roundest, shortest, lankiest, skinniest, flattest, most awkward... God made each one of us. And we are all beautiful in God's eyes simply because He made us. There may be many reasons why God made us physically the way we are. Maybe it is to reach out to that one person who otherwise wouldn't talk to anyone, maybe it is to keep our pride in check, maybe it is to serve as a form of testing, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure how we look like on the "outside" should not distract us from the real beauty of the ball - God. No matter how we pretty or ugly we think we are, it should lead us to God. To Jesus.

God is not just occupied with how we look physically, but also, perhaps more so, how we look on the "inside". Think of our souls, our spirits, as the intangible, invisible, yet magically powerful music itself. Just like how it is the music that is encrypted into the various mediums is the main attraction for us, so our souls, our spirits, our character, those are what God pays extra attention to. How our souls, our spirits shape up, that is true beauty. We can't touch it. But we can definitely witness it in unspeakable powerful magical ways. How much more God who sees the unseeable and touches the untouchable?

A beautiful heart and mind is a powerful thing & tool. They engage and entrance for a far longer period than a beautiful body. They grow sharper and wittier each passing year, while the body dies. As the body fades to dust, the soul and the spirit remain. That is what we are. That is who we are.

While our feathers may be ruffled by how pretty or dashing or cool we look, the clothes we clothe ourselves with, the accessories we accessorise ourselves with, the perfumes we perfume ourselves with, our God looks past the physical beauty into the inner secret heart.

I've met people who just shine. There is no explanation. They simply shine. When I talk to them, while my eyes meet theirs and I see their faces, I don't see their faces. It takes me extra effort to just focus on their physical bodies and they look pretty normal, nothing exceptionally fantastic. But when I talk to them, when I watch them move, I see a stunningly beautiful person. I can't explain it. It's like their hearts and minds outshine their bodies...

How are you adorning your soul?

"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

~ 1 Peter 3:3-4

Friday morning found me washing up the breakfast dishes while my three siblings were in school, father was at work and my mum somewhere in another part of the house. As usual, when I'm relatively alone, I sing (or at least I try to). And my song choice was "Your Grace still amazes me" by Phillips, Craig & Dean.

I love songs that somehow possess that special magic. Somehow God blessed the lyricist\composer with the words and the music to go with it that expresses so well, the hit-it-right-on-the-nail type of accuracy, what is inside the heart, that which is desperately scratching the walls of the being to get out, to be expressed and proclaimed. Many songs are beautiful. Many speak to me personally. But not many, even not those I myself write, can articulate what I feel on the inside. And trust me, it is agonising trying to find the right words, the right melody, the right accompaniment, the right instrument, the right color, the right stroke of a pen to show and tell God how I feel towards Him. And I really want to. I guess that's why it gets pretty tiring and desperate on my part. I know He knows, but I still want to do something to show Him, make Him proud. I just want to. No, I need to. I cannot not sing out to God. I cannot not try to be miserably creative for His sake.

Anyways, after doing the dishes, I did my quiet time with God. And it was about humility. And the way it was presented was rather new to me and really made me think again, try to understand.

Jesus is the physical, and non-physical, embodiment of two naked truths about us, God's human babies. We are sinful and are convicted by the Holy Spirit as such. We know that God hates sin to the point that He can't even look at it. He's telling us that our brand of 'righteousness' really is nothing more than filth and dirt. But in that same breath, God's pulling us, drawing us close for a warm fuzzy bear hug just like the father of the prodigal son. He's telling us how much He loves us, yes, He'll spank us when we're naughty, but that's how much He loves us. He cares that much to want to be a part of our lives. He'd rather die than have to spend all eternity without us.

It is precisely within that tension of the two truths that real humility lies.

Humility is nothing more and nothing less than knowing the truth of who we are in Christ Jesus. And only a relationship with Him can give us the genuine thing, not pride disguised, nor a ploy to squeeze for ourselves more compliments.

We who are absolutely hopeless are now filled with hope, utterly lost but now happily found.

Do not forget who you are, looking to others to tell you who you are. Do not lose sight of the truth of what Jesus has done for you and in you. Do not forget that your purpose is not to gain attention and praise for yourself, but that you might bring glory to God, using your talents and gifts as a response in gratitude to Him, winning praise for the Lord God.