Yesterday, I saw off the last of my closest friends I've made here in the UK. Heaven knows I'm lousy at goodbyes, even if the goodbyes really are see-you-laters.
cupcake
AnnaBanana
sQuishy
Before I came, I was really thrilled that I was going to be alone (that was wayy before I heard that some others were also going to come to UniS) because then I'd have to really force myself to be brave and courageous and make new friends. Oh, the thought of a clean new beginning! Terrifically exciting!
But about a week into being without old friends, without family, it hit me just how hard it is to be utterly alone without a familiar face, without a familiar voice. Any reminder of home will usually be received with tears on my side. And that was when I was really thankful that God brought sQuishy, cupcake & AnnaBanana to me. They were new friends, yes, but they were good friends, the closest I have here. How we clicked is simply miraculous. When we felt down, we cheered each other up. When we were troubled, we shared the load. When we were happy for no reason, we celebrated together. It truly is amazing. I am so thankful for them.
I realised I don't like to be alone. I dislike it a great deal more than I dislike the feeling of loneliness. I need people around me, noise and laughter and voices conversing, footsteps on the floor, the clatter of pots and pans in the kitchen, the slamming of doors.. I need to know there's human life..
But the time came for summer vacation.
Everyone packed and left right about the same time. 12 of the 14 rooms on my floor emptied in one morning. The noise ceased, the signs of life dwindled, the largeness of the kitchen and the starkness of the corridors suddenly grew large and wide and empty.
That same day, AnnaBanana's aunt came over. They had to leave early the next morning so AnnaBanana could catch her flight. sQuishy also shifted over to my room to spend the next two nights. She didn't like being alone in her house, since her housemates left too, which was off the university campus.
AnnaBanana left 6.25 am on Sunday.
Her leave was too early in the day for me to feel anything, but when I took a shower later that morning..
That added another digit to the emptied rooms on my floor.
Mine was the only one left occupied.. But occupied by two, not one.
sQuishy & I.
It was fun scavanging the kitchen with sQuishy for anything left by their previous owners that was edible (like that potato salad & chicken breasts), and could be used (like that peeler, a bottle opener, olive oil, washing liquid, &c.). Really fun times! It felt as though we were in one of those movies where zombies have taken over the world and we were the only two left and were trying to survive!
She left yesterday.
I helped drag her luggage down, which was another fun activity in itself, what with our laughter extremely piercing and loud and unstoppable echoing through the stairwell! Hilarious!
And I cried watching the taxi drive her away.
Now it's just me.
Home never sounded so good before. Ever.
Trust me, when you watch everybody around you leave, close friends, acquaintences, strangers alike, when you have to watch them go knowing full well that they won't be coming back (unlike Easter vacation), knowing full well that you will have to stay.. It tears you up and assasinates you inside like nothing ever can. Not in the same way, not in the same silent helpless viciousness.
But I am very thankful that God answered my earlier prayer, and also a prayer that I did not utter:
He knows me better than even I know myself!
He sent me people from home to be with me when, and even though, I couldn't see that I would need them.
And those people became my closest friends here, along with some others from other countries. I miss my old friends back in Singapore, yes. I miss them very much and I can't wait to be back. But all the same, I love these people too, these new characters and personalities that have walked into my life.
He cares very much for me even though I haven't been the most obedient and pleasing of children, showing me, literally showing me how much He knows me and how much He loves and cares for me no matter my earlier tantrums and naughtiness and disagreeable-ness.
He realised I dislike being alone and feeling cut off from the world even before I could ever forsee myself actually being thrust into situations that evoke those sentiments.
And He sent me people to help ease me slowly into being more alone than ever before.. Even then, He made sure I knew that I am not entirely and absolutely alone.
AnnaBanana and her aunt stayed for another night after 12 of our floormates left.
sQuishy came to stay with me for two nights, one more after AnnaBanana.
And while I was lugging her bag down 4 storeys for her (I stay on the highest floor), I bumped into a guy who was coming up huffing under a huge bag of clean laundry! We exchanged "hello"s, why we were still here and when we were moving out. He was going to be here until the 8th. I would be in this house until the 5th when I move to another university accomodation for the summer (that house would be filled with other students staying for the summer so I will be surrounded by people again).
When I reached my room after sending sQuishy off on her way, Piki, superman, YappyYap and dae were there on MSN waiting to speak with me. They opened windows first to chat, not me.
And when it came time for them to sleep because of the time difference, Esther opened a window and we chatted the dark and windy night away, retiring only in the early morning.
And now the glorious sun is suspended high in the sky, shining its brilliance and magnificence on the Earth below to the glory of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus playing in my head. I greet the day safely holding God's hand, looking up at His face and seeing Him smile down at me before we both look forward and take a step together, embracing this next 24 hours.
Thank you, God. Thank you.
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