peace . love . joy

Sometimes I can't remember what I've prayed for when asked to pray on the spot. But somehow, I remembered what I prayed for days ago after our puppet practice for Christmas Eve. I asked God to give each one of us a new revelation, a new emphasis, a new point of view, a new inclusion of the very first Christmas this Christmas.

I remembered and I waited for Him to give me mine.

And then on Christmas day, during church service at 10 am, God granted me my request. It wasn't something totally brand new or out of the box, but it certainly was something that I never did place much significance on, or rather didn't dwell on in the past, didn't spend enough time to ponder on, though I know it's something important. Especially important for people like me. People who are not Jews.

'Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us. The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope. Patience and encouragement come from God. And I pray that God will help you all agree with each other the way Christ Jesus wants. Then you will all be joined together, and you will give glory to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Christ accepted you, so you should also accept each other, which will bring glory to God. I tell you that Christ became a servant of the Jews to show that God's promises to the Jewish ancestors are true. And he also did this so that those who are not Jews could give glory to God for the mercy he gives to them.

It is written in the Scriptures:
"So I will praise you among the non-Jewish people.
I will sing praises to your name."

The Scripture also says,
"Be happy, you who are not Jews, together with his people."

Again the Scripture says,
"All you who are not Jews, praise the Lord.
All you people, sing praises to him."

And Isaiah says,
"A new king will come from the family of Jesse.
He will come to rule over the non-Jewish people,
and they will have hope because of him."

I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.'

~ Romans 15: 4-13

The Greek "ἔθνος" or "ethnos", in English, "gentile", was used here. The very first time the word "gentile" appeared in the Bible, its debut was in the Hebrew "גּי גּוי" or "goy-ee" in Genesis 10. Then, it referred to a "foreign nation", figuratively depicted as a troop of animals or a flight of locusts. Not a very flattering picture, is it? Well, as time went by, the distinction between the Jews and the non-Jews became very much more apparent. Here in Romans, we see the Greek term further specifying the definition of the "foreign nation" or "tribe" to a non-Jewish one. The words "gentile" and "heathen" and "pagan" are linked.

I am most definitely gentile. My ancestors come from China, moving down to Malaysia and finally to Singapore. I am three-quarters Chinese and a quarter peranakan. No Jewish blood in me, no sir.

When I first came to church way back when I was about nine, they were teaching us to memorise the books of the Old Testament in song. I remember learning the Lord's Prayer by heart. I remember learning about how God saved us all, Jew and gentile alike. But it never really hit me that I was a gentile, undesirable in the Jewish eye. I don't know about now because I've never really talked to a Jew before, but if I lived in the past, I was most likely no better than a dog on the street.

We, gentiles, had no hope because we were so often blatantly told that they were the Lord's people, rescued from Egypt, so loved and forgiven by a sovereign, and we were not. We, gentiles, had no hope because it was so often pushed in front of our faces that their God was supreme and powerful and alive, and ours were not. Kinda sucks. And then there was the Old Testament to remind us for all time, for all eternity of our past.

But then, flip a little more and you find the New Testament that includes within its pages a new covenant, a new promise, a new hope. The good Lord sent His Son to Earth to be born in the likeness of man, puny, frail man, to live and to teach and then to die. For all. He came a fool to man, but in God's upside-down, opposite world, He came a King. For all.

Now we have hope because now, we and they are the Lord's people, we and they belong to a God all-mighty, all-powerful, ever-present, and ever-loving. All because He died for us. All because He redeemed us. All because He loved us.

Without this gift, this sad but joyous gift, this costly but free gift, this exclusive but inclusive gift, we would be nothing. We would be gentiles, a troop of animals, a flight of locusts. Where once we had nothing, now we have everything. Where once our name was one of shame, now it is one that tells of the unfathomable and immeasurable love of God Almighty, God of the Jews and Gentiles.

Gentiles, non-Jews, read the Old Testament to remember your beginnings and to see the power of your God, and the New to see His love.
Gentiles, give thanks to the Lord who loves and forgives and sent and died and lives.
Give thanks and praise and honour and glory and blessing to the God of our Salvation and Hope.

Thank you, Jesus, for coming to Earth. Thank you for being born in that dingy place, only to die on that splinter-filled cross. Thank you for coming for me. Thank you for loving me when I was so unlovable. Thank you for forgiving me. And thank you for answering my prayer.

Christmas Eve's here!

Tomorrow'll be Christmas day proper, yay!
Can't wait to see the look on people's faces when they greet each other and when they open their presents and when they gather for dinners..

Christmas.

Let's ask that "what is" question wee kiddies all learn to ask when they receive their first bag of inquiring words & sentence structures that include the all-famous "why", shall we?
What is Christmas?

(I didn't put the inverted commas on the last word so I'm not expecting "a word" as an answer.)
Most Christians would, and have answered "Jesus' birthday".
My Mum says there're some denomenations that refuse to celebrate the 25th of December as Christmas, as the day Jesus was born on Earth, because they say it's the wrong date. I think they're missing the entire point of a celebration, to remember and remind celebrators of important, meaningful events. I don't think it's terribly vital that we get the exact date right, though it'd be nice. Anyhow, that's not what I want to discuss here.

If we build on that answer, "Jesus' birthday", then let's ask this other question:
What happens at a birthday party?

Presents!
Presents are given to the birthday boy or girl, of course.

So allow me to inquire as to what you've wrapped up and stuck a tag on with Jesus' name on it this Christmas?
Or perhaps have you ever consciously given a gift to Jesus on His birthday?

A lovely blue bird once told of a family tradition that I know tickles Jesus each year.

Let's build on it. The previous post had us re-casting the words of the Lord's Prayer into our own. So today, armed with your own personal translation of the Prayer, converse with God, and together, select one line. If it's not too specific, for example "try not to sin", narrow it down, to something like "no lying".

Now write that line on a piece of paper and fold it up. Tie it up with a pretty bow, or fold it into an origami crane, or just simply tape it with scotch-tape, and place it under the Christmas tree.

That is your gift to the Lord Jesus this Christmas. You're saying that you'd make a conscious and continuous effort to live in the Lord's Prayer. You're saying that you're now taking a step to becoming more and more like the beautiful one you so love and worship because He deserves it, because you want to.

Then on Christmas day, open it, commit it in prayer, pledging your year to act in this manner for the glory of God the Father, this promise, this gift you make to Jesus the Christ, asking the Holy Spirit's guidance and nudging.

Place it somewhere where you're sure to see it each day (a mirror would be perfect) to remind yourself of your promise, of your gift.

Happy Christmas.

Today's the day before Christmas Eve.

What would you say if I asked you what's the Lord's Prayer?

You'd probably recite the entire prayer for me, no?
Or even spit out the passage reference(s) in the Bible.

What if I asked you the exact same question again after your first answer?

You'd most probably then say it's a prayer because you're running out of answers to the question.

Those answers are not wrong. They are in fact correct.

But someone saw something that will stretch your vision.
Max Lucado saw something beyond a mere prayer, beyond the words written in the Bible, beyond the precise passage reference. Max Lucado saw a blueprint of the layout of rooms and passages and hallways, as guidelines and instruction for life, for living. It is more than a prayer, it is a life plan.

I don't know about you, but to me, these few verses can be rather general and even vague. Why? Because it is not terribly specific. It's like a single strawberry that has many stems growing from it, and on those stems, leaves and flowers and new fruit. People can read the same line and think about many different things, though originating from the same point, along the same tangent. But that non-specific-ness precisely is the the beauty of the prayer: it's for everyone.

It's a life plan for everyone.

So today, the day before Christmas Eve, I want to challenge you, and even myself, to re-eat the Lord's Prayer. But this time, to do so consciously seeking instruction for you, yourself, for wherever and whatever point you are in right now in your life. And then re-digest & re-mould the Prayer in your own personal words.

"In these verses, Christ has provided more than a model for prayer, he as provided a model for living.
These words do more than tell us what to say to God;
they tell us how to exist with God."

~ Max Lucado in 'The Great House of God'

Make my life a prayer to You
I wanna do what You want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers, no compromise

I wanna shine the light You gave
Through Your Son You sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know You're really there

Well I wanna thank you now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what You say
Oh You're coming again
Coming to take me away

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave to me
The love that set me free

I wanna tell the world out there
You're not some fable or fairy tale
That I've made up inside my head
You're God; the Son; You've risen from the dead

(Chorus)

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave to me
I wanna share the love that set me free

In grateful memory of Keith Gordon Green
(21101953 - 28071982)

Yesterday I lost something that I placed great importance on: a rainbow-coloured cloth bracelet with the words "God keeps His promises" printed in black bold letters along its length, held shut by a yellow & black plastic clasp that has a cross cut out from it. The words ring with a special resonance within me because there are promises He makes that I hold very dear and it is because of them I am able to walk bravely into my today and tomorrows. But not only that, the bracelet was given to me by A.Mag, someone whom I truly admire and respect and love.

It mattered so much to me that after I visited Nelson in hospital, I made my parents drive me back to that coffee shop so I can ask around and look for it, even though my brother and Cindy and Daena all told me that it's highly improbable that I'll find it.

Well, they were right. Nobody saw it and I could not find it.

I felt quite miserable. I am sorely missing my littlest brother, Elwyn, who's away in Japan for a school band trip. Plus I have just lost a material item that I really treasure. And nobody seems to care. My father was not too happy with eating at the coffee shop for dinner, my mum's mind was caught up in making a mental list of everything I need to bring with me for my UK exchange trip, my other siblings couldn't care less how I was. I almost cried there and then in the middle of a noisy coffee shop somewhere near Daena's house.

So I decided to message someone whom I know will care. And he told me not to be sad and not to worry. It didn't make much sense what he said, but I was glad that he cared enough to reply my sms.

In between the first and second round of sms exchange, I talked with God.

And He told me that there really was no cause for worry.

The words on the bracelet was indeed true of Him, that He is a God who keeps His promises. And that I really did not need a material thing to remind me of that because it's there in my heart, written in permanent ink. And should I ever forget to look and remind myself, He'll remind me.

He also said that He is not a God who can be contained in a material thing, like a large, magnificent temple, much less a cloth bracelet nor a phrase. And here I was reminded of Timmy's sharing about learning to let material things go. Funny how looking back, it seems as though God was giving me a sneak peak as to what He had in mind to teach me next.

He showed me a picture in my mind of the bracelet on a cube of rubbish about to be discarded into the incinerator, and revealed to me that I need not be sad.

So I prayed in response. I asked that wherever the bracelet is right now and wherever it is going to be that it encourage people who see it and read it or even touch it along its way to its final destination. I asked that the words, the cross cut out, or even the colours speak to whoever's path it crosses and build them up and remind them that He is God. I asked that God show His creativity in using the bracelet for His glory, and that the bracelet would be a blessing to more than just me.

I do miss my bracelet, afterall, it was only yesterday that I last wore it. But it's not a sad, cramping, gnawing sense of loss that I felt before God spoke to me. Instead, it's a hope that wherever it is right this moment, God will grant me my prayer request.

And today, I flipped open my Bible and the first thing I read was Isaiah 26: 3-4. Boy did that bring a knowing and expectant smile to my lips and happy tune to my vocal chords to execute.

So here's the verdict. After a long and tiresome and excitement-killing application and long email exchanges, I wasn't able to make it for the Autumn exchange. But, I will be going away to the UK for the student exchange over the Spring and Summer! Yay!

Thinking I had to get a visa, since the website and student exchange handbook suggested, I filled in the thirteen-page application form, gathered the documents listed in the checklist attached to the form itself and marched to the visa application office. Once there, I was told that I had insufficient documents to support my application, and lo and behold, there was another checklist that was located on some obscure page of the website. Also, that bank statement that I spent twenty dollars on, was insufficient. They wanted to know exactly how much was in the account and the transactions made over the past three months.

So I went back home, gathered the rest and went back.. Only to find that they only accept applications until 3 pm. I was there at 3.45 pm. My bad. Didn't see that sign amongst the many other signs posted on the door.

Third time's (hopefully) the charm. Yes! The nice lady let me go down to MPH to take a more recent passport photo at ten dollars because mine wasn't recent enough (even though I look exactly the same as in the photo). But I managed to submit the application form and all.
Then at 5 pm, the office called saying that I'm not elligible for the student visa, but that I should apply for the student visitor visa because I'm still considered as an exchange student, even though I'm going to be there for about six to seven months. They wanted me to come back down again and fill it up on the spot. But here's the catch: the office closes at 5.15 pm. No way I'm gonna make it in time.

So I went back the next day. And after checking the website and filling in the new student visitor application form, I am told that since I am a Singapore Citizen holding a Singapore passport, I need not apply for the student visitor visa (something about Singapore being a Commonwealth country). Argh! Brilliant. I wasted four trips and thirty dollars on nothing.

This whole.. Ordeal.. Gave me a really bad impression of administrations. Yes, I am generalising, but honestly, TV shows and real life experiences have been eating away at what trust I had in organisations and paper achievements. Heck, I don't even trust my doctor nor my dentist!

Kind of reminds me about Giddens and his ideas about modernity. More specifically, his ideas about modernity and trust. Simply put, Giddens thinks that dealings in modernity is characterised by a time-space distanciation where goings-on no longer happen exclusive of the outside world, where events outside our local geographical territory or space affect us, where time and space are becoming increasingly negligible, where social relations become disembedded. And because of this disembedding of social relations, trust becomes a really important issue. Because of this disembedding, people become more and more reflexive of actions. They monitor, assess and re-evaluate time and time again nurturing feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.

The modern society probably would not exist, or at least would not be coherent should the mechanism of trust breaks down. We have trust in paper money. We have trust in diplomatic discussions between politicians and what not. We have trust in health gurus. We have trust in what we read in the news and the internet and hear on the radio. We have trust in our various religions, whatever you individually subscribe to.

But I guess for me, thanks to the media, this advent of new technology and creativity of the modern mind, ironically causes me to lose trust in some of the gears in the machine of today's society. For example, "House" makes me lose trust in doctors, makes me analyse their every prescription to people I know (I realised that my doctor's pretty keen on anti-biotics, just like how everything's caused by Lupus to House). If you think even a little more than what you usually do when you sit paralysed in front of the TV, you'd realise there are loop holes in quite a lot of things, the most classic example I can think of is the programme fails to answer a really important question, especially one that could jeopardise the validity or reliability of the whole content.

Inefficiency and 'blur-ness' of the administrative officers of that visa office really leaves room for doubt of their abilities and capabilities, which is not good since applicants are trusting them with their passports and other original documents like birth certificates.

My mother says the whole saga probably is God teaching me patience. Perhaps.

Besides teaching me patience, I also think God is arming me with yet another reason to praise Him.

Trust.

Like society which cannot function without trust, like more individual, personal relationships which also cannot function without trust, our personal relationships with God likewise cannot function, stand the test of time, grow without trust.

As I look back and reflect, as I stand in the shower at night (which is kind of like a confirmed personal and uninterrupted time with God alone even when the other five people in the house are awake and noisy) and talk with God, I stand in stark realisation that when all else fails, when the world is stripped bare, when I feel so alone and so vulnerable, I am not alone. I am not vulnerable. Because He is not. And because He in me, something that was reminded to me twice by Timmy, and He is greater than anything else ever.

I trust in the Scripture. And I trust in my experiences and conversations with God. I trust that He is Amen.

And you know what the brilliant thing about my God is?
My God is unchangable.

What happens when the world around you collapses?
Perhaps not physically, but more metaphorically.
Perhaps not globally, but more personally, like family, circles of friends.

How much trust do you place in God?
Not in Bible study materials or Quiet Time materials, but in the Bible itself, in the Spirit, in Jesus, in God.

Do you take what you trust for granted?

How many of you have "role model(s)" in life? I myself have quite a few people that I look up to. I catch myself thinking "oh, I want to mature into someone as fun and creative and as close to God as this person" or "oh, I want to be as critical and intellectual as this person" or even sometimes "oh, I want to be as beautiful as this person"... You get the idea. These people, or person if you only have one, are basically possessors of certain characteristics that you wish to come into possession someday. They inspire you and encourage you and act as some sort of goal that you want to achieve. You spend time with these people, following in their footsteps, naturally, to hopefully get to where you think these people are. You imitate these people. You try to do as they do. All because you think it's worth it, you think it's going to get you where you want, to take on certain desirable characteristics.

It goes on smooth... But sometimes, you stop dead in your tracks of modelling yourself after that person whom you looked up to in the past. Suddenly, you realise, through further observations of that person, that that person's human after all with quite a few faults and shortcomings that you've probably never noticed before, but now that you realised it, it's quite a big thing. I reacted with an intense feeling of close-to-overwhelmingly-choking disappointment.

To suddenly lose a lot of respect for that person whom you've previously esteemed and venerated is... Hard. It's as though a huge chunk of you has suddenly come undone, like a jigsaw puzzle piece that had fitted nicely suddenly twists itself out of the completed portion and falls off the table. I term it "disappointment".

There are other circumstances where disappointment jumps up at the unsuspecting you like the big bad wolf in little red riding hood. Most of the time, it involves people and\or being let down.

I've recently had a bout with disappointment and I was talking it through with God. Whether or not I had the right to feel disappointed... And what should I do next.

While the feeling of disappointment has a tendency to dwell and enlarge itself in the disappointed, God calls us not to let that happen. Disappointment leads to discouragement, which in turn leads ultimately to dismay and absolute pessimism. These words do not remain as intangible emotion words. Instead, these translate into conscious actions and unconscious behaviors that most definitely will affect other people around.

Characters in the Bible too experienced disappointment. Psalm 31, 102 and 109 teach that while disappointment may grip the heart, the matter must not remain hidden in the heart, but poured out to the One who actually can do something about it - God. The world's best listener of all time, and did I mention, miracle-worker? He can cause the situation to change, but He can also cause your heart to change. He talks and walks us through it, our rod and our staff in the valley of death and darkness and fear.

Sometimes we react by asking "why, God?" Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with that question. But sometimes I think we get too caught up in seeking an answer, or blocking ourselves from the ugly truth of the matter, that we forget to ask another question that God could actually be answering instead: "what now, God?" It's hard to shift and adopt this perspective when we've been disappointed with circumstances, with people... But we pray and ask for His intervening Hand. We seek His wise council. We thank and praise Him for who He is.

Don't you see?

Disappointment leads to hope.

Hope for a better tomorrow, a better reaction in the next wrestle with disappointment, a "role model" to improve on character and tendencies, people to change for the better, an answered prayer.

And this increases faith in God.

Faith in His character, that He answers prayers, that He is God sovereign.

So when you deal with disappointment, don't keep it to yourself. Pour it out to the Father who cares, to the God who is powerful. Let it go. Ask good questions and always be open to listen to what the Lord has to say.

Disappointment leads to hope.
Disappointment leads to faith.

The songs we sang once, some time ago, five years to be exact, started playing on my Windows Media Player. And what was supposed to be background music, meant to keep me consciously in the present so I can revise for the exams without too much drifting, kind of like the ambience music just before the movie begins and you, the movie-goer, are reading a magazine, became the emotion-tugging soundtrack music. The movie had begun unexpectedly, without those anti-climax ads they screen just before the movie, Poot Mai Koi Geng, Roo Mai and Yorm becoming the vital musical accompaniment to the silent montage of short clips and stills from our trip to Udon Thani, Thailand, in the theatre of my mind.

All of a sudden, I am reminded of the people, the smells, the sounds, the weather, the animals...And I miss it all very terribly.
I miss the confusing muddle we found ourselves in, trying to remember all the mono-syllabic names of the children and youths and adults.
I miss the little girl who strangely took to me so quickly, even though I did nuts.
I miss struggling with the language.
I miss painting beams and laughing as we contributed to the manual construction of a new church.
I miss balancing bowls of steaming noodles on a red plastic tray as I walk up the sandy slippery slope to help serve lunch.
I miss all the faces as the tongue is surprised by the puny but ridiculously hot green chilli padi that had escaped the eyes' notice.
I miss the smell of morning wafting through the wired mosquito net on the window.
I miss the black fighting chickens.
I miss the orange sandy road.

But you know what really unsettled me?
I missed telling them why I came.
I missed telling them about Jesus.

'Jesus said, "Leave her alone.
Why are you troubling her? She did an excellent thing for me.
You will always have the poor with you, and you can help them anytime you want. But you will not always have me.
This woman did the only thing she could do for me; she poured perfume on my body to prepare me for burial.
I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached in all the world, what this woman has done will be told and people will remember her."'

~ Mark 14: 6-9

People will remember her, He said. Notice she will not be remembered for who she is, we don't know really, where she came from, what she does for a living, the sins she was convicted of, her family, we don't know. Instead, she will be remembered for what she has done.

She is remembered for what she did.
We remember her for what she did.

I guess in our society, with this big emphasis on being "free" which entails some notion of always being able to have "fun", everyone wants to be that someone who loves to have fun, that someone whom everyone loves to be around because there's never a dull moment with him\her.
I think there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think Jesus Himself loves to have fun. He loved to go to parties. He loved to go for dinners.

But here is the possible difference between us and Him (possible in that we are lacking in this, not that this reason might not be true):
He went realising each moment that He was on a mission.
He never lost sight of His purpose.
He prioritised, always having at the forefront of His mind and always did first His goal of Salvation.
He was, is and will continue to be remembered for what He has done. For fulfilling His purpose and mission.

So when you walk on the streets, go to school, go to work, serve in church, go for social gatherings...
When you are at home, watching TV, listening to the radio, latched onto the internet...
When you wake up, realising that each day, no matter where you are or what you're doing or whose company you're in, is a mission day...

And you meet the different people...
Maybe you'll never meet them again in your lifetime...
Maybe they'll be there for quite some time yet...

What do you want them to remember you for?

ก็ใครคนหนึ่งรักเธอ หมดทั้งหัวใจ

I like how Don Carson put it:

(paraphrasing)

Imagine two people holding hands, walking together along the beach. The sun is setting, the waves are soft, the sea breeze makes it so comfortable and right... The guy turns and beholds the girl. "I love you", he says.

Now when he uttered those three words, what do you think he meant?
Think he means "You're so beautiful. I love being with you, I love the way you look, I love how our conversations are always perfect for each situation they take place in. And therefore I love you." ?
Or perhaps he means "You are so ugly. You have the personality of Genghis Khan, the nobbly knees of an old cow. The oil in your hair is enough to grease thirty hamburgers. Conversations with you are so empty. But I love you." ?

Which do you think is what the guy meant when he tells the girl he loves her?

Which do you think God means when He tells you He loves you?

Honestly, I agree with Don Carson. I agree that it's the second proposed meaning.

To Him, we probably have the personality of Genghis Khan, the nobbly knees of an old cow, the intelligence of T-Rex, but He loves us because He loves us.

He can't help but be who He is.
He can't help but love us.

Now think about that.

There's probably zilch that can make God love us, but He loves us anyways. What does that mean to you? In fact, does that mean anything to you at all?

Last week found me trapped once again in sin and guilt. I love God. At least I tell everyone and I also tell myself and God that I love God. In my mind, I was hurting from hurting God. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. So my puny human mind decided to draw away from God because it reasoned that that way, I couldn't hurt the one I love anymore. I stopped talking to Him, I stopped reading the Bible... Probably doesn't make sense to you, but it did to me then.

Even then, it was hard. For me at least, and with regards to God, what they say about "once you know something, you cannot un-know it" holds true. I cannot forget the good times, the unexplainable joy...

And then on Thursday, it all collapsed. I found myself numb emotionally-wise. Things were collapsing around me, I thought I'd feel depression, I thought I'd feel sad, but no, I didn't know how to feel about circumstances around me anymore. I felt semi-detached from reality and the goings-on around me.

Sometime in the evening that day, God came to me. I couldn't see His face, but I could see that He was crying. I couldn't audibly hear His voice, but it was quivering from the crying.

Why won't you let Me love you?

I had no answer. Then I started crying.

On Saturday, as I was spending time alone at home with God in the evening, I realised something. I realised that I thought wrong. I thought I was doing God a favour by drawing away from Him because then I couldn't hurt Him anymore. I was wrong. By drawing away, I was in fact hurting Him more because I wouldn't let Him scold me, discipline me, teach me, love me.

He is a God who simply wants to love me.
And when I deny Him His desire, I sadden Him so bad He cries.

Now I'm back. I'm slowly learning again, learning to love Him, learning to let Him love me. I'm talking to Him now. A lot more in fact than I ever did sometimes in a day. It's not enough, but it's a start, a new beginning, to loving God by letting Him love me.

How are you loving God?

Are you letting Him love you?

You know, He wants to... simply because He is who He is...

For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ. For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free—and have all been made to drink into one Spirit. For in fact the body is not one member but many.

If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be? But now indeed there are many members, yet one body.

And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary. And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

~ 1 Corinthians 12:12-26

I'm only beginning to see how God is using this mentor-mentee relationship to grow me, to show me how much He loves me, to encourage me for His glory. I still don't know exactly what a mentor-mentee relationship should produce, some say the process of mentoring results in the mentor effectively and metaphorically reproducing himself \ herself, but this I know for sure: this relationship made me purposefully set aside time to listen and learn and share with someone whom I probably would never have done so with. Through her, God invited me to pray for that someone special. Through her, God prepared me to receive Hansel's birthday gift. It seems each time we met for those few three to four hours, God made it count.

Yesterday, she shared with me something really interesting. It's a very simple projection that rests on very simple bases.

You know how God made us all special? With our different eyes we see different things, with our different ears we hear different things, you get the picture. We have different purposes, different goals, different talents and gifts, different burdens we each take special note of and carry. We may change them as we progress through life, we may share another's cares, but none of us are absolutely identical.

Well, one very well-known and most certainly well-taught passages to support our differences is 1 Corinthians 12:12-26. We are different parts of one body, different functions to serve one purpose.

This most certainly applies to us as intercessors, as a people of prayer, as a people whose only means of communicating with our Lord God is through prayer.

We adopt different styles of praying. We may all see one event, but different aspects jump out at us like the blinking lights on a navy radar screen to be prayed for.

There are a very many different "types" of intercessors, none greater than the other. From the "List Intercessor" who happily prays for everything organised on a list, to the "Special-Assignment Intercessor" who prays for individuals or even events; whatever, whenever God nudges them to pray for. From the "Administrative Intercessor" who loves organising prayer sessions, lists, etc., to the "Prophetic Intercessor" through whom God gives information to others. And then there's the "Mercy Intercessor", the "Worship Intercessor", the "Crisis Intercessor", the "Issue Intercessor", the "Nation Intercessor", the "Evangelism Intercessor", the "Warfare Intercessor", the "Flexible Intercessor"...

So many! Some of us may be just one type of intercessor, some of us may be a whole combination. Some of us may remain what we were when we were kids, some of us may shift and "move on" to other styles.

Why does God allow this?
Why can't we each be all at once?

I see two reasons:
In our finite human capabilities and burdens to manage, it is impossible for us to be all at once.
And also, if we were each everything, then there would be no need for all of us; one would suffice.

There might be more reasons, perhaps there are, but that's not what I found interesting.

What I found interesting is this:
By being together, by praying together, we are a complete representation of God's heart.
We pray for all that God's heart is aching for.

Now, isn't that something?

As lovers of God, we aim to please God.
When we pray the Lord's prayer, we say "Your will be done".
In church, we have many ministries to serve many needs that come to our notice.
When we read of King David being known as a man after God's own heart, inside we yearn to be known as he was and is.

All that, maybe even more that has escaped my notice at the moment, is fulfilled, God is pleased and happy when we pray together, for His heart and will is captured in times like these.

It unites us in our differences into one people belonging to God.

All the intercessors of the world, unite! Let us not displease our God. I have seen and heard and felt the heartache of God when He came to me with sadness and it literally broke me. Let us learn to love our God who wants to love us.

Come!

Today God told me something that I won't forget for a very very long time. In fact, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I've been a teacher of the Christian faith for some time already, and one of the things we teach is forgiveness as specified in the Bible. That we are to forgive just as we have been forgiven. Let me tell you something; I have never wanted to teach this lesson at all. I mean I believe in it, I believe that we should forgive simply because we are called to forgive, I believe it is important, but I personally never want to lead a lesson in forgiveness because I have never experienced it before. And because I have never experienced it before, by that I mean I have never consciously told myself to forgive someone, I never felt as though I had to forgive because somehow I always manage to turn the blame onto myself and blame myself for whatever predicament I find myself in, though I have asked people for forgiveness, I believe that I can never teach forgiveness as best I can. I can never teach forgiveness in its totality as best seen by man.

Well, I can now.

Events of yesterday, exchanges over dinner made me fantastically mad at two people - my father and one of my brothers. I felt that what they said was totally out of line and uncalled for and just plain mean. I did not feel I did anything wrong. And even after numerous playbacks of what happened, I sincerely could not find any fault committed on my part (and you know that I am one who can somehow blame myself for everything that's gone wrong). And last night, during the drive home, God asked me twice to forgive them. I told Him to wait. He said okay, but to let Him know how it all finishes up before I sleep.

I didn't get back to God last night.

So today, God found me in school.
I was walking alone from the South spine to the North in school today and as I walked, I was kind of negotiating with God.

"Forgive them, Megan."
I can't. I'd like to, but I can't. How can I when I feel so wronged? When they haven't even asked me for forgiveness? When they pretend that all is all right when all is not all right?

"You've got it all wrong, man. Forgiveness has got nothing to do with the people whom you are to forgive. They are not in the equation at all."
What?

"The only two entities in the equation are you and me. How much do you love me?"
So much, God, so much...

"So much...that you will do what I ask of you even if it's hard?"
...yes...?

"Then forgive because you love me."
ahhhh...I...forgive.

And I can't explain this but I felt as though I could breathe again, as though I was Atlas and the whole globe has been lifted off my aching shoulders.

Wow.

God, bring the work that You have begun to completion within me.

The first day into my twenty-first year is a Sunday.

Today, I woke up early, about two hours before I was due in church, and turned my Bible to Ecclesiastes 1: 1-11.

The words of the Teacher, son of David, king of Jerusalem:

Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher.
Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.

What does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains for ever.
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.

All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say, Look! This is something new?
It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.

Though the translation here of the Hebrew "הבל" (hebel) is the English "meaningless", the original intended meaning probably is closer to being vapour; breath-like; being in a constant state of transition; lacking permanence (and perhaps even, significance).

Solomon, the most likely author of this book, penned his one claim, one idea in the first lines, asking rhetoric after rhetoric that begs negative answers.

All human endeavor is futile. They all amount to nothing.

I wonder if we've ever thought of life that way.

I would say one who is close to the Lord God would be able to counter that proposition, as Solomon had in the following chapters. But I wonder still, if we have ever reached a point whereby we sit down, legs stretched out from under us, hands limp by our sides, back slumped, uttering a sad sigh and realise finally, that everything we do has no permanence?

Why do you go to school?
Why do you study phenomena?
Why do you seek answers?
Why do you work and eat and drink and breath to live to see another day?

What for?

Perhaps it takes us to be driven to such a point in life, that narrow jagged jaw of a high cliff with a narrow plank of wood that reaches from the cliff towards the horizon, above the stubborn and sharp rocks being bashed by the unrelenting angry waves, or maybe even points in life, to realise one thing:
we can either take a step backwards and turn around to return to the safe, enchanted, but meaningless life we know,
or, we can either take a deep breath and walk forwards onto the lone plank towards the horizon.

I have chosen to walk the plank above deep and dark waters. To use the lyrics of a song, I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow; a wave tossed in the ocean; a vapour in the wind. I know I am, and my deeds are impermanent. But I have chosen to let the will of God be done in me and through me. And that, my friends, serves an eternal, significant, permanent goal.

Which have you chosen?

Which will you choose?

Yesterday marked the last of my twenty years outside my mother's womb.

It ended with a $111.00 bill for a home-made hawaiian pizza, a plate of lamb shanks with pasta, a plate of oven-baked chicken with potatos, a plate of spaghetti bolognese, four plates of beef lasagna, two small bottles of peach concentrate, and three of apricot concentrate at some expensive but tasty pizza place below my block. After which, we, baby, Yap, Tim Lam, Sam Yew, Carty, Galen, Ellie-belly and I adjourned to the nearby pasar malam (night market) for some Ramlee burgers, muah chee, cheesy hotdogs and packets of biscuits we remembered from our childhood days.

I'm rather glad Hansel did not accept my excuse of being lazy to not go back again (!) to Faith Acts so he could personally pass me my birthday present before my birthday. And I'm very glad God didn't test me, providing me with a willing driver, a sleek and smooth car, and some more company for the short trip.

It seemed like such a big deal to Hansel that I come yesterday to get it from him just so I can listen to it either last night, or this morning (which I did) as I enter into my twenty-first, which more accurately would be at 8 pm tonight. I remembered telling him that I don't understand what the big deal is about turning twenty-one. It's just a number to me. But he replied that maybe it's a big thing to God, which would automatically make it a big thing for me.

I promised God few days ago that He have an hour of my day on my birthday. And last night, I promised Him the best hour, that is the first hour from the moment I am awake. So I set the alarm at 5.30 am just so I could prep myself and be ready to speak with Him from 6 through to 7, and we could watch the sunrise together =]

I was a little worried that I'd not be able to wake up with my not being used to it after such a long time of sleeping in until 7, so I made God promise He's wake me up.

Well, He did.

I rose at 5.33 am, brushed my teeth, pooped and was ready at 5.50 am.

Days ago, I had it all planned out. I'd sing this and that song, I'd say this and that words..
But last night, whilst in the shower, I felt God telling me to listen to Hansel's CD, the one he made me make a second trip back to Faith Acts for, first thing.

So this morning, I popped the CD into my lappy and clicked the "play" button.

I tell you I had such a shock when I heard Hansel's voice through the earphones! I did not expect that at all.

The first track was Hansel's recorded birthday wishes for me.
The second track..now that was really interesting..

It was a prophesy by someone who doesn't know me, and whom I don't know either, as in the never met kind of don't know. It was a prophesy into my life.

The moment I heard his voice at the beginning of the track, I started crying. I started crying because this was something God had in a way prepared me for, with A.Mag sharing about prophesying with me during our last meeting, but more so because I knew God was speaking to me, making sure I'd stay attentive and not drift by using someone who spoke super fast and super loudly, for exactly five minutes and nine seconds.

I remembered A.Mag's advise and wrote down everything he said, even though I knew I had a soft copy already. I filled three and a fifth pages of my journal. The prophesy touched on quite a number of things, but mostly, it was about change. Change for the better, to produce for the Kingdom of God. Something I must prepare and get ready for. Something the speaker said God was saying I had been longing for so long.

He was so right.

The things that he said, some of them were exciting, some of them were terrifying and some of them were interesting.

After I heard and jotted it down, I opened my devotional to today's reading. It was so in sync with the prophesy, I tell you, it's actually freaky.

' Jesus said to them," Follow me and I will make you fish for people."
And immediately they left their nets and followed him.'

~ Mark 1:17-18

The passage was about the disciples being called away, away from the only life they knew, the only place(s) they knew, the only people they knew, and being plunged into a life full of daily challenges, discomforts and surprises. And then, Michael Card specified this "newfound obedience" of Peter's that enabled him to push out into the raging sea of souls and fish for the glory of God.

It spoke of change. Change to something that I so long to consciously see. Change to work and live and breathe for God.

I was reminded again of my calling in life.

And for the first time ever, I had no words at all to say to God.
I was speechless.

So I thought a while and finally came up with
"God, I want you to finish what you've started in me."

And you know what?
He told me to say it again, louder this time, if I really meant it.
I did.
So I repeated myself. In a louder volume.
Then He told me to get it down in writing.

And then He said
"Don't forget, I want you to finish what you yourself have started."
And He told me to get that down in writing!

Haha.

Last Sunday's sermon made me sit up. But that was not because I haven't heard this topic being preached before, or that the manner in which the subject was approached was new and interesting; rather it was because of what the teacher said at the beginning of it all.

He opened with a recounting of a personal experience. You see, he had a friend, a female friend, whom he looked up to. In his younger days, she was someone he wanted to become in terms of her relationship with God. Her closeness and passion for God was something he so terribly desired for himself with God too. She was his encouragement. But then, somehow, when they were in the university, she lost it. The past passion, the past intimacy she had was gone. She did attend talks on the Bible and such, but they simply left her intellectually satisfied but did nothing for her relationship with God.

Know why that made me sit up?
Because that sounded just like me.
I don't know about the encouraging part, but I know the rest sounds exactly like what I am going through right now. The fact that he spent a lot of his time staring in my direction, I can't tell for sure if he was looking straight at me, but it sure felt so, served only to emphasize one thing - God was talking to me through this sermon.

The preacher taught about a character in the Bible I don't quite like and I don't quite follow (ie. I don't do extensively study him or find out more about him):
King Saul.

The title for the lesson last Sunday was "The Call of Saul: The Lack of a Better Heart".

Saul was reportedly a very impressive young man. He may have been a shy guy at the beginning, but his physical stature certainly was capable of commanding everyone's attention at once, being super duper tall!

Saul was doing all right until somewhere along the line, he lost it. He lost his call.
I don't quite understand that, the "losing of a call(ing)". It could mean he lost sight of his calling from God, it could mean his calling was stripped from him, or it could mean both. In this case, I think it might have meant both.

I liked how the preacher, Philip Huan, structured his message. Okay, fine, I just like things in threes. Somehow, I can remember them very well when they come in threes. Strange, that..

He outlined three ways in which we can avoid the pitfalls and traps that lead to a lost call:
one. Do not confuse God's goals with your own goals
two. Deal with the deep fears in your heart
three. be tender to God's voice

The first, I think, we know. We know to always check whether what we're being driven by, thoughts amongst others, is in sync with the teachings of the Bible. We know to be wary of things that bring about great and attractive personal benefit.

The second seems somewhat out of place here. How does dealing with the deep fears in our hearts keep us from losing our call(s)? Simple. If we don't deal with them, dealing with them here may not mean you whip them fears and they vapourise in a poof, more often than not, dealing with them entails a life-long battle raged against being enslaved in your fear(s)' clutches, they might hinder us from obeying God. And personally, this has a high tendency of driving me away from God.

The third one alludes to that which is of utmost importance for us, that which ties up all the three points, and perhaps even more, that beseech us not to fall away from our call(s).

A close relationship with God.
The cultivation of a beautiful heart.

To be tender to God's voice, to be receptive to His soft whispers and loud commands tells of a closeness with God, fortells a growing intimacy between you and God.

To know God is to know Scripture, in particular daily experiencing and understanding what it means when it is written that "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18) and that "greater he that is in you, than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4). To know this is to realise that with God, all our fears are nullified. The fear of insecurity, the fear of losing, the fear of man.. All are annulled.

I believe that many things, many Truths in the Bible, may be known to us, but may not be comprehended by every one of us because I believe these Truths must be experienced, claimed, witnessed personally in order for its power to come into a complete-er circle. We learn things in church and we say we know them. Do we really? Can we preach what we've learnt with conviction and urgency when all we have is head knowledge? I am not denying the importance of head knowledge here, but I am saying head knowledge is useless without heart knowledge, without the feeling, or the conviction, or the thorough understanding. We need both head knowledge and that of the heart.

And we learn heart knowledge through being close with God.

Yesterday I went to church attic for KidZ JAM meeting. For I think the first time ever, I was the earliest to arrive. As the merciless sun was heating up every square inch of space, and the emotional air deciding to choke in as many tears as it can before it bursts (hopefully) into rain, the survivor in me desperately searched for shade and air-conditioning.

The cool gem of a sanctuary was found in the level four lift lobby, just outside the worship hall, complete with food! After eating my fill and waiting for the others to arrive, we adjourned back to the children's chapel in the attic that had just been vacated by the group before us for our KJ meeting.

After a serious message and call to serious reflection by A.Mag, we began our meeting proper to discuss the flow of events for the 31st October KidZ JAM + JAM Zone "Campfire" Night. About two hours thereabouts into the meeting, A.Mag left us to continue the planning on our own.

Then Daena said she had to go off first to meet an aunt for tea at her place.

Gabriel told me that I was to follow him later as we'd be having our cell group meeting at his new house (something like a house-warming party). So I said okay, especially since I knew not the way.

Cindy then said she had to first go home to collect the car before she went to Gabriel's.

Gabriel dragged a few of us, Sam Leong, Sam Yew, Chio Bu, Tim Lam to NTUC and the Big Bookshop at Clementi before meeting up with Yap and taking the bus to his new condominium. They actually thought Sam Leong and I didn't know where to get off and wanted to leave us behind on the bus! HAHA! Fooled you! I said I didn't know how to get there; I didn't say I didn't know the name of the condo which was so obviously proclaimed by an obvious sign!

Then Gabriel took us with our heavy stuffs for a scenic tour around his block before heading up to his appartment. Haha! I'm rather good at directions and I do know when we're walking one big round, okay! You can't fool me!

When we finally entered his house, the rest of the group plus Gabriel's family plus a few others were already there..Plus the food! We had sushi, seaweed chicken, nuggets, bee hoon, rice, otak, fried wanton, old chang kee..Man! I'm already salivating at the thought! Yum! I was wondering why I wasn't told to bring any food or drinks, mebe I missed something in some email, but hey! When there's good food, cool drinks plus great company, who cares?

Once dinner was over and we'd all had our fill, Weichen stood up and said it was time we move on to the next segment of the programme. Then she asked Sijia and I to hunt for our presents.

!!!!

I was like "what?!" I so did not expect that! That we were celebrating Sijia and my birthdays that day was surprising. That we had to search for twenty presents altogether in a house that we were entirely unfamiliar with was jaw-dropping. That we got to play a game of treasure hunting was brilliant!

So Sijia and I began our arduous search, and believe me, it was not easy. I mean, can you imagine having to pull out all the umbrellas and feather dusters from the umbrella stand just to find a small pot of Body Shop's Strawberry-scented Lip Balm? And Gabriel stuffing a present into his shorts? By the way, that was wayy gross, man! The presents were super duper well hidden.

Even after finding all our presents, our "ordeal" wasn't over yet. We still had to figure out which gift belonged to whom! Here's my loot:


And our last present was in the fridge in the kitchen! Our really tasty whipped-cream tiramisu cake from Breadtalk. Yum!

I still can't believe F.I.S.H. managed to pull this off! From what I remember, our past attempts to surprise people did not actually work. But this was awesome! I totally did not suspect anything! My goodness! Haha!

Anyways,
thank you, baby, for opening up your home to us and letting us use it for this surprise thingy,
thank you, John & Weichen, for hatching this brilliant plan and actually pulling it off rather well,
thank you, all, for the yummy food, the surprising surprise that I honestly did not expect nor suspect at all, and the awesome company!
thank you, Daena, for the sushi and the pot of strawberry-scented lip balm!
thank you, Timmy, for the shiny pretty golden bangles!
thank you, Nuraini, for making the Christmas-sy red'n'gold (my fav colours =] ) bookmark!
thank you, Hannah & Yipeng, for the awesome bronze diary!
thank you, Weichen, for that really cool golden floral snap mirror!
(I don't know from whom the other gifts came from)

thank you all for this unforgettable pre-birthday birthday surprise =D

God taught me two lessons that night:
Gratefulness & Friendship.

He taught me to be grateful, no matter what. So what if I didn't get that golden watch that I've been eyeing for some time? I've received things that have so much more meaning and are so much more special than that cold cuff-watch. I had sushi that was made personally by a friend whom I love so much. I had a cool diary which I can fill with priceless thoughts and sketches. I had so many golden gifts that really were treasures because they were chosen and made especially for me =]

I am not grateful because God said to be grateful.
I am grateful because I finally am able to see and experience what it means to be grateful:
to really understand and thoroughly appreciate the meanings and motives behind the actions.
(I am so darn taken by Weber!)

What I've received, I can honestly say is far, far better than what I had hoped to get.

I realised that these people really love me.
Stupid, huh, to take so long to realise that? But no, sometimes it'll take forever for a person to understand that he is loved, and even if a person accepts that, time and time again, he might feel otherwise, might even feel unwanted.

God explicitly told me last night that these are the people who are my immediate family in Him. And families stick together through thick and thin. I don't know how many of us really understand that phrase "through thick and thin", but it's something that I've been thinking about recently. These F.I.S.H.y people are the ones who will love me and whom I can run to and find an offered shoulder, a pair of opened arms, a warm smile, a listening ear, a loving word, a pair of feet that will walk with me.

Yes, it took me so long to finally realise that this is my family, but I pray that I will not forget that and everytime I feel unwanted, I will remember this.

Thank you.


p\s: we took this really cool pix in the narrow dining area with the wall-to-wall-to-wall-to-wall mirror =p

These weeks find us digging into the book of Acts once again with our group of 16 year olds we're teaching in church. And yesterday, my sub-group of 16 year olds were looking at the conversion of cornelius starting from 9:32 all the way through 11:18.

Many of you who've been through the passage would probably come to the conclusion that God does not show favouritism at least in terms of who receives the gift of Salvation through Jesus the Christ, much less who gets to hear the Good News. That, at the very least, is evident in this passage through the account of Peter's experience from living with Simon the tanner, the vision from God, inviting the three Gentile guests in, going to the Roman centurion, Cornelius' home to preach and baptise, and finally explaining himself to the rest of the Jewish Christians.

But one verse in particular raises something rather interesting.

"If then God gave unto them the like gift as he did also unto us, when we believed on the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that, I could withstand God?" (11:17)

When people decide to evangelise, especially street evangelism, what do they normally say?
Most, if not all, would ask non-believers, after they have heard the Gospel, if they will repent of their sins and profess and receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
Two things: repent and receive.

But what did Peter say to the Christians?
He mentioned only the word "believe". Luke records the Greek verb "πιστευσασιν".
That means to have faith; and by implication, to entrust.

If then they, the new Gentile Christians have received the gift of the Holy Spirit just as the Jewish Christians had on the day of Pentacost on the single condition of belief, does that mean repentence is unnecessary? Does that mean choosing to leave a life of indulgence in sin behind is redundant?

The answer naturally would be a firm "no".

But then, why?
If we could receive the gifts of salvation and the Holy Spirit on the singular basis of belief, why is repentence brought into the picture?

To answer that question, one must first answer this:
What is the basis of your faith?
What is that one thing, element or entity, that if absent, your faith will come crumbling down?

My group of 16 year olds responded with many answers:
(these are a few that I remembered)
The power of salvation
God's love
Other people (in terms of encouragement to keep at the faith, etc.)
The Truth of the Gospel, the Bible
Jesus' death on the Cross
Forgiveness
Prayer

One thread runs through most of the answers they gave. Can you see it?

Love.

Love runs through it all. Whether it was the inspiration, the spurring & initiating mechanism, the encouragement & perseverance & maintenance..
Love is the common theme.

God's love. For us.
We first believed because He first loved us.
We continue to believe because we love Him.

How do you show that you love someone?
You do things for that special someone, even if some of them things require you to go out of your way. You want to please that special someone. You care for that special someone. You don't want to hurt or anger that special someone. You find out that special someone's likes & dislikes and do the things that person likes, and avoid the things that person dislikes.

So how do you show God you love Him?
One obvious and important way is through repentance, μετανοιαν.
The trigger is guilt and the result, reformation. And by implication, a reversal; repentance.

But we need to know what to repent from and what to repent to.
And that requires a close, communicating relationship with God, knowing His likes & dislikes.

In this passage of Acts 9:32 - 11:18, it speaks of the change in attitude, the repentance of the new Jewish Christians regarding the new Gentile Christians. The Jews and the Gentiles go way back into history as mutually exclusive groups. They will have nothing to do with one another because the Jews are "clean" and the Gentiles "unclean". Now, the new Christians are learning to pull away from age old traditions and labels, embracing Jesus' teaching of loving one another just as He loves them.

So the main point of Acts 9:32 - 11:18 is not the conversion of Cornelius nor is it that God does not show favouritism.
It is μετανοιαν. It is repentance.

I like what one of the 16 year olds said during class. He said belief is the first step and repentance is what that follows. The cracks between the first slab of the stone "belief" and the next of "repentance" is the cement "love.



What about you?

Even while we fail to love our parents, our siblings, our families as best we can, is there a group of people, or a person, that you flat out refuse to love? That you refuse to share precious Jesus with them?

God loves man, us.
And (hopefully) we love God.
Because we love God, we love other people too.

Do you have something to repent from?

I'm sorry. I haven't been updating this space for quite a while and I apologise. I really did want to tell you everything I've learnt from Stephen, and I still really do want to. But I feel at this point, I need to interrupt and tell you why I have not been updating.

Laziness.

It's not that I've not the time. It's that I've chosen to do other things like watching YouTube instead of this. It's a painful confession especially since I'm confessing to all who read this. I've chosen to indulge in pleasures of the world, rather than to sit and think and ponder on, about and with God and thereby spend time with God, thereby glorifying Him, thereby making Him smile. I confess I've not been diligent in my walk with God. I'm in this cycle where I can't seem to find a way out. I go for days being far from God and then come back to Him by His grace and mercy and forgiveness, and above all love, only to depart from Him and His wonderful presence yet again. It sucks.

I desperately want out of this circle. I want to reside for ever in His presence, never away from Him. I honestly, seriously, painfully do.

But somehow, I find myself stuck in the gutters. Like I'm the water in tje drain. I flow along the path of the drain underground, stale with rotting garbage, terrifying with spashes and unknown squeaks and voices, light-less. And then occassionally, I see the sky through the grates of a metal drain cover. But somehow, I'm stuck in that terrible drainage system.

This is not new to me, and I'm sure it's not new to many, if not all of you, Christians. But what strikes me as unfamiliar is the rate at which this new cycle is spinning at. It is unprecendented. It spins at a frequency far greater than I've ever experienced before. And I seriously, honestly, painfully want it to stop. I want to break free of that vicious, thick and solid ring.

Why am I in it in the first place, you ask.

Guilt.

When I disobey God, even more so when I disobey in full consciousness that what I am doing is not right in God's eyes, I come away feeling guilty. My personal response to guilt is to draw away, and so, I draw away from God. This never solves the problem. It only serves to further exacerbate it, it only serves to further torment me in my misery. But somehow, it comes so naturally to me, this drawing away because of guilt. Only recently have I begun this really tiring and strenuous activity of purposefully coming back to God even in my guilt. But it takes a lot out of me.

One day, while I was in the showers crying, in between my stupid sobs, I asked God why. Why is this all happening to me. Why is it now of all times. Why am I in this mess after such a good history together, being close with one another.

God answered me right there as my naked, trembling body stood slouched beneath the piercing pitter-patter of jetted water from the shower-head.

It never ceases to amaze me. No, it never does. That God, my wonderful, creative, loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious, beautiful, hurting, sad Father should choose to still speak to me even after I've hurt Him, even after I've purposefully drawn away from Him. He still chooses to speak to me.

God told me that I am going through this not only to make me stronger, to make me learn perseverence, learn to love Him and remain faithful to Him, learn to take hold of my reactions to my emotions,
I am going through this to tell other people about it.

To tell them to always come back to Him.
Even when we feel that we're not up to it, even when we're too lazy, even when we feel we, far worse than poop, don't deserve to even look at the light rays emanating from His being. We are to always come back to Him. No matter how many times, we have to. No matter how hard it is, we have to.
He reminded me of the book of Judges. Israel strayed, but each time she strayed, she was restored back to her rightful place: by His side.

To tell them to remember the first time.
Remember your emotions that coursed through your veins and arteries and capillaries that stretch and originate from your heart, meeting every cell in your body. Remember what happened between you and Him. Remember the first time you said "I love you too, God."

To tell them to never stop talking to Him.
My mentor, in preparation for our meeting today over tea, was talking with God, asking Him what He wants me to know through her. She didn't know exactly what I was going through, but she knew I was having a hard time, a dry time. She knew I was walking in the desert and desperately want out. And it hit her: communication with God must never cease.
When we cry out to Him, even in our miserable states, He hears us, and will answer us, but it's only when we cry desperately out to Him that our ears are especially receptive because we so long to hear Him. And that's how we know that He is speaking to us, that's how we know His indescribably wonderful character.

I've always known that being a Christian, yes, even in such a society as Singapore, where there are no institutions nor state-level threats against my faith, is hard. In fact, it is because Singapore is so comfortable, that it is hard. So many tantalizing messages to be lazy, so many tempting vibes to not struggle and be comfortable, so many effortless distractions.

But I know that it is worthwhile.
I know this because God has made Himself so irrefutably real to me, because God has time and time again told me and showed me that He loves me and knows me by name and face and mannerisms and likes and dislikes even amongst the multitude of His creations, because God is Truth.

So here I am, in the midst of my suffering and trial, standing, though barely, alive, though surviving, encouraging you to keep on keeping on.
To always come back to Him,
To remember the first time you met Him,
To never stop talking to & with Him.

But you must first decide if it, He is worth your while, your effort, your sweat, your tears.

Father,

I pray for these my brothers and sisters in you. I pray especially for those who are struggling right now as I am. Whoever they are, wherever they are, whatever their circumstances, I lift them up to you. I pray, God, that they be encouraged and know they are not alone in this good struggle, this good race, this painful journey to take our rightful places specially reserved for us with our names scratched out on it in Heaven by Your side. Father, take our hand, each one of ours, and lead us, accompany us as we search our souls and beings, as we decide if this truly is a worthwhile cause. Lord, I pray that we always always come back to You, we never forget the first time we met You, the first time we knowingly reached out to You and You reached down lifting us like giggling infants. Lord, I pray that we never stop talking to You. I pray You send us encouragement when we need it so bad, I pray You finish the work You first began in each one of us, I pray we never stop loving You back.

I trust You. I trust all that You do.

I love You, Father.

We love You.

Even as you and I, we can't seem to see the end of the smelly, scary, dark labrynth of the underground drain system, know that all drains lead to the ocean; no grails between us and the Heavens, no more darkness except the comforting peace of the night.

Now in these days when the disciples were increasing in number, a complaint by the Hellenists arose against the Hebrews because their widows were being neglected in the daily distribution. And the twelve summoned the full number of the disciples and said, “It is not right that we should give up preaching the word of God to serve tables. Therefore, brothers, pick out from among you seven men of good repute, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we will appoint to this duty. But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word.” And what they said pleased the whole gathering, and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolaus, a proselyte of Antioch.

And Stephen, full of grace and power, was doing great wonders and signs among the people. Then some of those who belonged to the synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called), and of the Cyrenians, and of the Alexandrians, and of those from Cilicia and Asia, rose up and disputed with Stephen. But they could not withstand the wisdom and the Spirit with which he was speaking. Then they secretly instigated men who said, “We have heard him speak blasphemous words against Moses and God.” And they stirred up the people and the elders and the scribes, and they came upon him and seized him and brought him before the council, and they set up false witnesses who said, “This man never ceases to speak words against this holy place and the law, for we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and will change the customs that Moses delivered to us.” And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel.

~ Acts 6: 1-5, 8-15

Here is the prelude to Stephen's speech in chapter 7.

Stephen was probably a Hellenistic Jew, just as Philip possibly was too. A Hellenistic Jew is not a Hebrew Jew. Hellenists are Greek-speaking Jews and come from Asia Minor and North Africa (Alexandria, etc.). They were claimed to have been looked down upon by the Hebrew Jews, but not totally excluded and discriminated against like the Samaritans, who were historically and genetically half-Jews.

Regardless of his heritage and birthplace, Stephen was a man full of faith, faith not in anything and everything; specifically, faith in Jesus being the Christ, and faith in God. He was one filled with the Holy Spirit that empowered him to do, and speak as we shall see later on, wondrous things in God's name and for God.

In chapter 7, which was posted couple of days back, it is evident that Stephen was no dunce. He was very likely very much on par with the elders of the synagogue in terms of Old Testament knowledge. He knew his faith intimately. But this knowledge was coupled with wisdom. I do believe that this wisdom was evident in Stephen's speech later on; he knew what to do with his knowledge, he knew how to present his knowledge, and he knew, comprehended his knowledge in a manner that the sanhedrin, who were supposed to be knowledgable and wise with regards to the Old Testament at least, did not. I do believe that this wisdom was bestowed on him by the Holy Spirit as a gift, a reward from God to Stephen for his faithfulness, a necessity in light of the trial that Stephen will face.

But even men full of God and full of the fruits of being full of God face trouble: the people rose up against and disputed with Stephen.

This group of people, from Asia, Cilicia, Alexandria and Cyrene are Hellenistic Jews. The very group from which Stephen himself probably came. I don't know, but even if you honestly have nothing else in common with the "people back home", or people who come from the same physical location as you did, you still feel a strange belonging to that group. We, Chinese, refer to that group as 乡下人, said with a tinge of sentiment. This is probably a very "Asian" thing, though. But to make the playing field level for all, how would you feel if your family, your neighborhood, turns against you?

It won't be easy, and you might even question yourself. But Stephen, full of the Spirit, full of faith and full of wisdom and knowledge, stood firm in his stand because he knew he was right.

And the people could not withstand the wisdom and the Spirit with which he was speaking!

They could not stand against, not Stephen, but the wisdom and the Spirit! The Spirit was much too powerful for them. The operations of the Spirit were much too formidable, forceful, compelling for them. You see, it was never about us. But it was, no is always about God: the one for whom we seek to bring glory.

Luke 21:15 says that God will give us words, along with wisdom, that none who are against us will be able to resist, oppose, or refute, prove wrong.
The evidence of God fulfilling this promise is so blantantly present here!
If God leads us to a place, to a situation, to a person(s), He will surely prepare us beforehand. He knows what we lack and what we need. He knows just how much too. We can rest assure on that point.

If God be for us, who can be against us?

~ Romans 8: 31b

So what did the defeated people do?
They sure did not stay defeated, in one sense that is. They did what they knew next best: they used numbers and human authority. They stirred up the people and the elders and the scribes, they came down upon him and seized him, they made him stand trial in the Sanhedrin court.

And they accused him of fundamentally three things:
1. blasphemy against God
2. blasphemy against Moses
3. Speaking against the Temple

If you notice, these accusations were in essence what Jesus was accused of few years back.

But one verse draws my attention: (vs. 15) his face was like that of an angel.
Strange isn't it? How can you compare a face to that of an angel, when you have probably not seen an angel before, or not known it was an angel you were looking at?

Some people say that it was a metaphor. That Stephen's face was like that of an angel because he knew what he was doing; he knew he was doing the bidding of the Lord. He knew he was correct in his stand. And so because of such empowerment and affirmation by the Spirit, Stephen's face betrayed his inner emotion: confidence and conviction.

But even so, if you were an elder of the synagogue, if you knew your Old Testament, there were other such people whose face shone, possibly not too different from the way Stephen's face shone. Moses was one such. His face shone when he descended from Mt Sinai, bringing with him the Old Covenant from the Lord God to the people. If the council could just stop and reach back into their minds and see that, they would have postulated Stephen as being like Moses, not against Moses, and that he was bringing the New Covenant from the Lord God to them. But they could not, or perhaps would not, see that.

How good are we with God that we know when exactly we are doing His bidding?

How well do we know God in terms of who He is; His character, His traits?

How well do we understand God's Word that we never engage a moment without His voice in our minds and hearts?

How convinced, how convicted, how confident are we of our faith?

One thing is for certain though, Romans 8:31.

These few weeks find us teaching the 16 year olds on the book of Acts. This is not the first time we're studying this book of the Bible together with them, but I'd reckon this is the first time that we're diving into greater depths of this book. I know though, that this the first time that I myself am studying this book, in particular chapters 6:8 through 11:18 (because I'm leading the discussion for these passages =x), in much greater detail than I've ever done so before.

As I was preparing the lesson for Acts 6:8 - 7:60, entitled Stephen the Martyr, I realised that there is so much that can be drawn and must be drawn from this short record of these last short moments of Stephen's life on Earth. I cannot disagree more to lump it all together into an hour and a half's (and that's being optimistic!) worth of a lesson on Sunday simply because the protagonist of this passage is Stephen.

Maybe I'm just being a rabid fan demanding more air-time for my "idol". Yes, I love Stephen. In fact, my two Bible heroes, of course not counting Jesus, are David, son of Jesse, & Stephen, the first recorded Martyr of the Christian faith. So I decided I'd show you sizzlers what I've gathered from my short three-quarts-of-a-day study on Stephen the Martyr.

But before we begin, we need to ask what is the big message the book of Acts is delivering to us?

The book of Acts chronicles the birth of the Christian church. It shows the link between Jesus the Christ and the church of Christ. It tells of the first teachers, after Jesus, of the faith. It records the doings, sayings, struggles, triumphs, deeds and deaths of the first Christians.

Is that it? Does the book of Acts simply speak of the continuity and faithfulness and power of Jesus? No, much more than that. Acts was written to testify to the Hebrew Jews that their God, the God of the Old Testament, the God of the ancient times, and the God the Christians profess to follow, the God whom the Christians claim has brought them salvation through Jesus the Christ, is precisely one and the same.

The Hebrew Jews had only in their possession knowledge of the Old Testament, the record of times of Abraham, Moses and Elijah. They held on to the promises of old. They held on to their interpretations of the promises and prophesies of old. They were still waiting for the Messiah.

The book of Acts inks out the link between the time of Israel, the time of Jesus, & the time of the Christian church; the thread that runs through the entire Bible - the Lord God Almighty.

That means we need to know, not just the New Testament, but also the Old.
That means our Christian faith is not unfounded, but so much more real.
That means the Word is not a stack of bound printed paper composed of separate books, but a pretty much alive and kickin' book.
That means our God is a great planner, has super memory and is indeed faithful.

And Stephen's message in Acts 7 endeavored to show the same: that "the Christian message is fully consistent with and the culmination of the Old Testament revelation" (Kent, p.66), that the Hebrew God and the Christian God, our God, is one and the same.

1985
Kent, Homer Jerusalem to Rome. New Testament Studies series. Brethren Missionary Herald, 1972; reprint ed. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House and BMH Books.

2007
Constable, Thomas Notes on Acts. Sonic Light. http://soniclight.com/constable/notes/pdf/acts.pdf.

Note: Most of what I learnt about Acts (in terms of background knowledge, cross-referencing, etc.) came from Dr. Constable's notes. So most of what I am about to write may be referenced back to his Notes on Acts.