peace . love . joy

This is not the first song I've written. But it is the first song I've written that actually has a story behind it.

I have been struggling to spend one-on-one time with God for the past week. Actually, I have not been spending one-on-one time with Him.

And that bothers me and confuses me because it is not that I "have no time", like how other people tend to say when you ask them why they don't spend quality time with God. I, on the contrary, have time. I just use it to do other things like attempting to study, playing the piano, playing online games, etc. Those activities in and of themselves are not inherently evil. But when I choose them over God, they become bad.

I do enjoy spending quality time with God. The material I'm using is called "Joy in the Journey" by Michael Card, and it never fails to minister to me. Never. Hence my confusion: if I actually learn from it, if it actually speaks to me, why am I not doing it?

It would not be wrong to say I have tasted the goodness that comes from a dynamic and alive relationship with God. I have. I know I have. And I think people around me can testify that I have. So why am I not working it?

See my confusion?

My confusion turned to anger and irritability. And it heightened on Sunday because of a series of events starting from Saturday night. So I want to say sorry to those I've unintentionally hurt, which includes my parents. I'm sorry.

Yesterday, while waiting approximately four hours for two of my friends to arrive so we can all enter into the zoo, I spoke on the phone with Puiki. Long conversation. Didn't amount to any advice given on her part to me, which was fine. What can anyone say anyways to what I was feeling and facing?

But this morning, just as I was about to not do my daily bread again, I saw a message from Puiki.

So I picked up my "Joy in the Journey", my diary, my ESV Bible and went to my parent's room and spent some time with God.

I don't know how long I spent with Him. But what does that matter? What matters is that God responded to my prayer. That is what matters.

And He gave me the words and the music (including the arrangement!) to a new song.

This new song is called "Know." with the full-stop at the end.

Know

Chorus:
Know! Know you're forgiven.
Know! You're His beloved.
Know! He's waiting for you to come into His arms..
Back again.

Verse 1:
Heavy laden with cares and woes,
Eyes downcast to the gravelly road,
Shuffle your way to the One
who gives you peace!

(Chorus)

Verse 2:
Take your steps, my little one,
Slowly, shakily come.
Stumble towards the light at the end of the the tunnel
Come, oh, come!

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Trust in the Lord.
Wait upon Him.
Watch and witness the perfect timing of
He who cares for you!

End chorus:
Know! Know that He loves you!
Know! Know He forgives you!
Know! Know that He yearns for you to come back into His arms!
And there to stay, oh, stay for all time.

Why don't many people like to discuss about Judas? What's wrong with him?

Is he so butt ugly that no one wants to 'immortalize' him in black and white?

Is there much controversy surrounding him?

Maybe.

Or maybe we simply prefer not to look at a face we know so well and have come to feel ashamed of. Maybe we avoid an in-depth study on Judas for fear we will recognise someone else in his character.
Maybe we are afraid we will see ourselves.

Is that perhaps why we engage in speculations that it wasn't Judas' fault, but really God's doing? That Judas was really manipulated by God? That God made Judas betray Jesus just so He could save the rest of humanity? And then, oh, I don't know, we apply those very speculations to our own lives?

Isn't it great to blame God everytime we do something wrong?
"Oh, I had no choice! See, God has 'predestined' my days for me - including those in which I will sin."
"I had no say: God knows everything! Therefore why did He not stop me when I was tempted and sinned in the end? It is not my fault."
"Ah, God must allow me to commit this sin for a reason. It's His reason, not mine."

Isn't it just fine to say we have no agency, and that we are all manipulated by God.

Isn't it fantastic to just pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and push it all to God?

The next time you are tempted to manipulate others around you just so you can get your own way,
the next time you are tempted to lie or 'fake it' to gain something or to be excused from something,
the next time you are tempted to 'play down' or flatly deny your identity in Christ,
think about Judas.
Don't entertain arguments you probably never will find the answer to, or maybe you're just too blind to see the Truth.
Instead, look hard into the face of the one who betrayed Jesus.
See if you don't see yourself.

Then turn to face the one who was betrayed - Jesus the Christ.

Depressing, isn't it?
I'd say we've all had our fair share of betraying or abandoning our God and Savior, Friend.
Maybe you wouldn't call it 'betraying' or 'abandoning', maybe if I used the word 'hurting' or 'saddening' you would understand.

Want to know the wonderful part? The part that will warm the cockles of your heart, but not enough to give you a heart attack, is this:
Jesus is not looking at you the way you are looking at yourself now.

'Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him. Jesus replied,
"Friend,
do what you came for."'
~ Matthew 26: 49-50

Friend. Jesus called Judas "friend". Not "Judas", not "man", not "betrayer".
Friend.

Even though we have killed Him, hurt Him, and maybe even made Him cry, Jesus calls us "friend".

So much in one simple word.

How do you respond to that?

Obedience..yea, we've all heard about that one.
Radical obedience, now that's something a little different..or is it?

Last week's readings for me in my own quality time with God material was all about "radical obedience". Now, just a minute, lady! You can't possibly tell me you haven't come across this term before in Bible study discussions?! Well, what hit me was how it was defined.

Michael Card defines "radical obedience" as doing the last thing in the world that you want to do. The last thing in the world that you want to do.

What does "radical obedience" mean to you?

He took me through the accounts described in John, Matthew and Mark about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane leading up to his arrest. Jesus himself also demonstrated for us, lovers of His in the generations to come, what "radical obedience" is, for "what else does 'nevertheless not my will but thine be done' mean if there was not a genuine conflict between two wills, Jesus' will and the Father's will, there in the garden" (Card, 2007: p. 46)?

But "the first seed of the victory won on the Cross of Christ was sown in the garden. The seed was the radical obedience of the Son" (Card, 2007: p. 46). The battle was won because of Jesus' humble submission to the Father's will. He became obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross.

How can we do this? How can we submit and radically obey God? Jesus, yea, He was man, but He was God too. But us? We are mere mortals. We are sinful men. How can we?

Jesus set the example. And He showed us how to follow.
"Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." ~ Mark 14:37-38

Has there been a time when you would say your spirit is willing to obey the Lord God, but your body is weak?

A second time, we read that Jesus retreats by himself to pray. Again, He chokes out the words "My father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." ~ Matthew 26:42

Has there been a time when obedience to God's will was simply too hard for you to follow through?

The story of Gethsemane extols to us the importance of prayer.
"Without the prayers of Jesus, we would not know his salvation" (Card, 2007: p. 47).
"The prayerful obedience of Jesus in the garden made possible the cross.
Prayer makes everything possible." (Card, 2007 : p. 48).

Therefore, pray when your spirit is willing to obey but the flesh is weak.
Pray for courage to obey when the calling is difficult.

"Radical obedience".
Maybe this hit me precisely now because I am struggling with this. You see, I prayed quite some time ago for Jesus to show me what He wants me to change in my life. Values and characteristics that He wishes me to keep or to learn or acquire, and habits and sins that He wishes gone from my life. All to make me more and more like Him.

I'd say He's answering my prayer. Right now. He has highlighted two sins in my life that He wants erased from my profile. It's not easy. And every now and again, I catch myself falling back into temptation and sinning. You might say, yea! Stop this foolishness right now. Change! You got the order from God on high. What more can you want? How does a leopard change its spots? You've got to bleach him, then mix the dye, then dunk him in and wait, then hang him out to dry before soaking him in a fixer. Long process. But ultimately, it can be done.

I'm still learning. And I do get discouraged when I fail again. And again. And again. But talking to Daena, Puiki and Timmy on Saturday night made me realise the reason for fellowship. The reason for accountability. The reason for Christian friends. The reason for church.
God can physically hold my hand by using theirs. God can encourage me through their words. And God can love me through their actions.

Pray, dear friends, pray.
Pray for help. Pray for courage. Pray for strength. Pray for hope. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for God to hold your hand.
And I know He will, just as He held mine when I reached my hand out between the window grates and asked Him to.

When it's all been said and done, there is just one thing that matters.
Did I do my best to live for Truth?
Did I live my life for you?

020408
I was alone at one of them benches at B2 that links S4 to the main spine. 'Twas trying my best to prepare for my German oral (which was yesterday, 070408, 7.50 pm, tutorial room 115); we were given three sets of 6-8 pictures each, and had to concoct an "interesting" for each set in the past tense, and apparently, not just any form of past tense, but the Partizip II (which I don't quite like because it can get rather confusing).

So there I was trying to fabricate an "interesting" story for the first of the three sets when two girls, or shall I say, young women, came and asked if I could spare them a coupla minutes. And because I was thought that they were most probably from some Christian organisation and were going to ask me to do some survey, or invite me to some upcoming evangelistic event, I asked them what they wanted and upon hearing their reply (I was right!), said that I was a Christian, so if they were going to evangelise, perhaps it would be "better" if they approach another\non-Christian. They said, that it was all right because they simply wanted to extend an invitation to a coupla seminars and that it would cater to both Christians and non-Christians.

After chatting for a while and exchanging email addresses, and they gave me their hp numbers (I'm kinda weary of giving out my hp number as I get weird calls and people trying to ask me out), they were about to leave, when one of them asked what I was studying. She was puzzled at the fact that my German textbook had tons of caricatures. So I said I was studying for my German.

To which she asked if I needed any help. Of course, I needed all the help I could get! She said she had a friend who flew in from Germany specially to participate in this Alpha Track course, and would ask her, on my behalf, if she were willing to help me out. And I was like okay! She then asked me for my number and told me the girl's name in case she did sms me. Gave it in faith and hope that my number wouldn't be used for purposes other than just for that German girl to contact me.

030408
"Hallo megan, my classmates gave me your number. i'm ****, the german girl. so, not to sure i can help you in some things, but will try. hope uhave nice day till now. fell free to msg me."
She actually made contact! I was pretty doubtful she'd call. I mean, she's here on a Christian course and was willing to help me out; she had no need and didn't owe anybody anything, but she's just willing to help me out! She even asked if I'd like to meet up with her over the weekend to practice! Fantastic.

I felt bad to ask so much of her, and I don't think I'm in dire need of someone to correct my prnounciation (it's not perfect, but it's understandable); I just needed someone to help take a look at what I've written in preparation for my oral test and see if it flows. So we exchanged email addresses.

040408
I emailed her what I wrote for all three stories with the pictures attached in case my sentence structure was so hideous such that it was beyond all human comprehension.

060408
She emailed them back to me with some corrections. She didn't change the story, or add new sentences, or delete my ideas. She just corrected the grammar mistakes that I overlooked and helped with the flow of the story (ie. connecting words...).

070408
Morning and afternoon found itself with me desperately trying to memorise them three stories and praying that Herr Thauvin wouldn't ask me any questions. It's not that my German is so bad until I cannot answer questions on the spot; rather, it's because when the teacher asks me a question, my mind becomes as white as a white board with no markings on it. It's frustrating to me because I know I know the answer, but I just can't for the life of me conjure it up when it is needed! Argh!

Meikee messaged me sometime in the afternoon asking if I were willing to trade places with her and Diana (ie. be third last instead of being the last to be tested) because they were just starting to write their stories. My answer? Really typical of a student who's worked herself up into a frenzy: "What?! No! Don't want!" Really unhelpful, really un-Christ-like. Sigh. So much more for me to learn, so much more for me to go before I become even a shadow of what He is.

I drew the lot (to decide which set of pictures I would describe), and received the number I so dreaded to see: Bild 2. I really hoped I wouldn't get that one because I honestly had nothing "interesting" to say. It was the most boring story out of all the three.

I went to the back of the tutorial room to prepare (without any notes), while Meikee stepped up front and had her oral test. Though I was trying my hardest, I couldn't help but overhear Herr Thauvin and Meikee conversing in a mixture of English and German, and him laughing a little here and there. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, or rather, he seemed to be having fun.

After she was done, it was my turn. Herr Thauvin asked me to begin, and then picked up his opened file and sat there, eyes downcast to look at his file, with his face emotion-less. So it began. He didn't say much, definitely didn't laugh. The only times he spoke up was to either tell me to restructure, or help me restructure, my sentence into a Partizip II one, not the one that I preferred and therefore used, because at level two, we had yet to formally learn that. I think he sort of gave up halfway. But I did try to restructure my sentence to use Partizip II! The only time he spoke to me in English was to clarify what I wanted to say, when I had trouble trying to form my sentence to mean "As they were boarding their airplane,..."

Just for fun, here's what I said:
"Hier ist die Familie Schneider. Jeden Abend essen sie zusammen und sehen dabei fern. Letzten Sommer, als sie wiedermal zusammen fernsehen sahen, sahen sie eine Werbung im Fernsehen für das Hotel Sonnenschein.

Herr Schneider hat zu seiner Familie gesagt: „Ich denke, wir sollen in den Urlaub fahren. Gehen wir doch ins Hotel Sonnenschein!“ So haben sie sich aus einem Reisebüro einen Ferienkatalog geholt. Sie waren sehr aufgeregt.

Sie buchten eine Reise für die nächste Woche und haben ihr Gepäck eingepackt. Die Eltern haben zu ihren Kinder gesagt: „Vergesst eure Badeanzüge nicht!“ Am Tag des Abflugs haben die aufgeregte Familie ein Taxi zum Flughafen genommen.

Als sie an Bord das Flugzeug gegangen haben (?can't remember what he said?), bemerkten sie, dass viele andere Leute auch das gleiche Flugzeug bestiegen. Sie dachten, „vielleicht machen sie auch alle Urlaub im Hotel Sonnenschein gefahren.“

An Bord das Flugzeug, obwohl die Stewardessen Getränke und Imbisse verteilten, konnten die Schneiders nichts essen, weil sie zu aufgeregt waren.

Sie haben schnell ein Taxi zum Hotel genommen, nachdem sie gelandet waren. Als sie das Hotel erreichten, waren sie sehr enttäusch. Hotel Sonnenschein war noch im Bau!"

He did not ask me any questions.

Maybe he was tired.
Maybe my German was so horrible until he simply gave up.
Maybe God was answering my prayer.
Maybe it was all three (and more!).

When we were done, he said "okay, das ist alles, ja?" "Ja." Then I pick up my paper with the pictures on it, shuffled to where my bag was. Three "shhh-" noises as my sandal-clad feet moved; I counted. Three more as I made my way to the door and out into the corridor where Meikee, Diana and Winston were waiting.

As I was walking from the mrt to my home, with Rammstein screaming into my ear "Asche! Asche!", I realised I did not thank Herr Thauvin! Neither did I bid him good night! Mein Gott, bin ich so vergesslich und so unverschämt? Sigh...

But you know what made me really happy?
An sms and a replying email:

"So sorry to trouble u *blush* thanks again for helpin me out! Really thank God to have met you, man.."

"Yes, and definitly it was God, who arranged it for you....Ha, he really loves you =)"

for now, just know that
in spite of my ruthlessly chiding myself for ridiculously despicable managing of my time,
..in spite of my having to rush in order to meet the deadline of three essays (each due one week after the other)
......in spite of my having to be on my tippy-toes to ensure i meet additional deadlines regarding my exchange to the UK on top of evrythg else,
.........in spite of my being so easily distracted by other things (& beings),
............in spite of my making a series of bad choices,

i am happy.

I haven't been keepin' up with Michael Card's podcasts. But this morning, after I came back from the doctor's, who pronounced the condition of the fourth toe of my right foot 'weird', I opened iTunes and double-clicked the latest download of his podcasts, #312.

This is the second time I'm hearing Michael present the crucifixion as the miracle of no miracle, but I still teared. I don't think I'll ever stop tearing at the sight of caricatures, or paintings, or writings, or at the sound of people speaking, or singing, or yelling of Jesus on the cross.

Please, I want to share Michael's insight with you. Hear the account of the crucifixion of Christ as you've never had before. Come witness a brother's tears as he hears again this well-known story.

All I need is 52 mins and 58 seconds of your time.

(click on the above photoLink)