Dear God,
I thank You for Faethe. And I thank You for not giving me more than I can overcome.
As I look back on that day where I came home upset over my tutor, and the day after I cannot help but write a letter to You to thank You for showing mercy and grace.
The day after was Wednesday. I had three classes to attend and despite the temptation, I did not miss one of them. The first was a two hour lecture with that tutor who ignored me. I thank You, gracious Lord, for a friend, Cady, who accompanied me through the lecture. You know how much I didn't want to be alone, even though it was a lecture and therefore less interaction between lecturer and students. You knew how close I was to tears at the very thought of facing another class with him alone. And so You supplied me her who, though I wasn't close to and usually don't sit next to, sat with me and did not leave me alone. Thank You, gracious One.
The second class immediately followed the first. Cady, being in the same tutorial as I was, walked with me to that class and chose to sit with me, even though the only pair of seats that were available side by side were in the front, and even though her own friends called her to sit by them in the second row. You knew I didn't want to be alone. Thank You, merciful One.
The last class of the day was at 6.30 in the evening. The one before that ended at 2.30. Usually another friend, Oregon, a year one Sociology major, would text me and we'd study together until my 6.30 class. During the first lecture, she messaged me telling me that she couldn't meet me as she had a meeting with friends. I told her it's all right. But at 2.30, she texted me again saying she's free to meet me for our usual study date! Also, at the end of the second class, Cady said her next tutorial was cancelled and she was free to study with me until 4.30! Good God, You surely are my extravagent provider!
At 4.30, both Oregon and Cady left, the former to the meeting that was shifted back, and the latter to her last lecture of the day. I moved to a quiet and shady spot to continue studying alone. You sent a girl from Campus Crusade for Christ to come and talk with me and gave me a magazine about You to read. While we talked, You stirred up the wind and rained dried bougainvilleas onto us! Creative Lord, that was magnificent and simply wonderful. I am in awe of how much You love me.
At 5.30, Oregon came back and we had dinner together, talking animatedly.
She walked me to my last lesson of the day. There, my Strength, You turned my teacher to look upon me in favor and kindness. Thank You, powerful One.
At 8, when my day was over, You called a boy, Rhett, whom I knew close to nothing about, to offer me a ride home. You surely are an extravant Comforter and Lover, my Lord. Thank You very much. Very much.
You are most wonderful and forgiving. A marvelous teacher. I have learned my lesson and have learnt it well. I pray the next hard rap on the knuckles from You will not come in a long time. But I thank You for this round. And I thank You for showing me I was wrong. Rock of my salvation, may I not be moved in my love and want for You and Your favor. Thank You for a day filled with love, wondrous love.
I stand in awe of You. No, I kneel in awe of You. Palms to the ground, lips kissing the ground and with my sandals off, I praise You.
Love,
Imelda.
20080227
horros of the tongue cont'd
20080219
Horrors of the Tongue
Lemony caught her sleeve as she made for the elevator.
"You're still in this course? I dropped it already. How is it?", Lemony asked.
"Oh, it's all right. Just that at the moment I don't feel like I'm learning anything. I'm waiting for the later parts of the course; the good bits. Hopefully they'll be good.", answered Imelda.
They bade each other farewell. As Imelda walked toward the elevator, she couldn't help but wonder if her tutor heard her. Yes, he was in the tutorial room when she made that not-so-nice comment, but the door to the room was open, and she was just standing outside.
Why does it matter, a reader might ask. Well, the tutor is also the lecturer for this course. And making a discouraging remark within earshot of the one who will be grading and assessing is not too good an idea, wouldn't you agree? It would not help if a tutor is turned against a student.
Five weeks later, Imelda was there at the usual tutorial room, at the usual time for tutorial. The tutor had just revised the tutorial structure: the student presenter for that week will provide a 10 minute summary of the reading to the class. After which each student present will voice one or two questions, comments or points about the reading. Imelda was seated with three classmates on her left and five on her right. The tutor began asking for thoughts on the reading with those seated on her left, the stopped, shifted his attention to those seated on her right, and ended the tutorial there. No doubt the hour of class was over. But he never once called Imelda's name, nor asked her opinion. To Imelda, it seemed as though he ignored her. Entirely.
Feeling invisible and just so down in the dumps, Imelda went to collect an ordered gift for a friend and took the bus and the MRT home. Once in the safety of her home, she cried. This did not look good at all, a teacher ignoring her.
She typed out a prayer to God. She told Him how she felt, why she felt the way she did and asked for His forgiveness. She knows she's no better than people who have ignored her because she too has ignored her fair share of people. She knows she has hurt God's beloved creation. And she's sorry for that. She thanked Him for showing her her hurtful ways and asked that He teach her to correct them and turn from them. She asked that He help her come out of this time a stronger Christian than before.
Still feeling upset and unsure, Imelda opened an msn window with Christian friend from her cell group, Faethe. They both felt that God could be teaching Imelda a lesson on watching her tongue. Knowing that it is a lie that God stops loving you, or loves you less, when you sin, but needing the reassurance, though, Imelda asked Faethe, "God still loves me, right?". To which Faethe replied with a huge "of course!! :)"
(pix courtesy of DeviantArt)
Thank you, Faethe. And thank you, God.
20080212
somethings..
sometimes when ure on the verge of beginning something really awesome; you're just about to walk thru the door to a whole new chapter in your life; you've said "yes" to God and are contracting the muscles in your thigh as you raise you leg to take the first step, something happens to make you think twice, to make you wonder if this is all just a big mistake.
i know of some who've experienced what's described above. and that "something" that happened was their parents voicing their doubts of their capabilities.
it's true, you know, what the parents say.
we are not capable of great things. we are not capable of even speaking words of wisdom and encouragement. we are not strong enough to weather turbulent seas and rough storms in our own 1-to-1 relationships, let alone our ministries.
we are not even worthy of such a position entailing such responsibilities. we have done nothing to deserve God's trust. we have done nothing to deserve God's chances. we have done nothing to deserve God's love.
but here's the thing: God never makes a mistake.
if He makes mistakes, He could've hit another town instead of Sodom and Gomorrah, He could've made Ehud right-handed instead of left-handed, Jesus could've gone to another place to pray in Gethsemane's stead, heck, He could've gotten lost on the way to Jerusalem. No, i do not believe my God is a God who makes mistakes.
if that is so, then He most certainly did not make a mistake in choosing you to take on that role, that responsibility, that task.
why then does He permit "somethings" to happen, to make you stop and wonder?
reality check.
it is not in our nature to be humble. we struggle to be humble; that act of struggling already shows that it is not in our nature. if it were in our nature to be humble, why would God go to such lengths as to record in the Bible time and time again reminders for followers to practise humility?
when people says things that cut us so deep, sowing doubts about our capabilities and worthiness, it reminds us that God is the one who is working here. God, and not us. it reminds us at the end of that period or project to look back, see all the goodness and sweet fruits of labor, and realise that this is not from us, but from God. this is all God's doing and not ours. it reminds us of who is in control and to who credit is due.
awesomeness and gratefulness.
we are not deserving. we are not worthy. we are not capable.
but the fact is God still loves us. He cannot help it. it is His nature. He cannot not love us. He does not love us for what we do or what we are, but He loves us because of what He is.
"no one could ever, by himself, be strictly worthy to be loved with such a love" ~ New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton (yes, Merton is a Catholic, but we still love the same God, no?)
and because He loves us, we become worthy. it is by grace, it is by mercy, it is by love. and that is why we cannot boast. all is a gift. all we do not deserve.
and yet He chose you. He chose you to be in that situation at that point in time. He chose you.
you.
is that not awesome? are you not grateful for who God is? is it not fantastically exciting to see what God can do through you?
pray.
it is an opportunity for you to draw closer to God. when you need comfort, when you need affirmation, when you need strength, when you need love, God is just a prayer away. and He is waiting, He is restless, He wants to speak with you.
"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." ~ Jeremiah 33:3
"But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, when you turn to the LORD your God and obey His voice (for the LORD your God is a merciful God), He will not forsake you nor destroy you, nor forget the covenant of your fathers which He swore to them." ~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31
the worst thing you can do after that "something" is to dwell on that "something".
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13
the temptation to give up, it is not uncommon. look: i have provided one way for you to stand up under it. there are many other ways others have seen (by this i mean something like enlightenment) and made known that you can take to bear it. dont buckle under the temptation you can rise up from. dont stay down when you can get up.
may this song encourage you and give you new revelations about a familiar passage, story, truth:
Shepherd Boy -- Ray Boltz
One by one Jesse's sons
Stood before the prophet
Their father knew a king would soon be found
And each one passed
Except the last
No one thought to call him
Surely he would never wear a crown
But when others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
Even though your life seems filled wWith ordinary things
In just a moment He can touch you and everything will change
When others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
One by one problems come
And dreams get shattered
And sometimes it's hard to understand
But things like chance
And circumstance
They don't really matter
Our Father holds tomorrow in His hands
But when others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
Even though your life seems filled With ordinary things
In just a moment He can touch you And everything will change
When others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
Well it wasn't the oldest, it wasn't the strongest chosen on that day
And yet the giants fell and nations trembled when they stood in his way
But when others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
Even though your life seems filled With ordinary things
In just a moment He can touch you And everything will change
When others see a shepherd boy, God may see a king
20080204
where did you go?
draw me close to You
never let me go
i lay it all down again
to hear You say that i'm Your friend
You are my desire
no one else will do
cos nothing else can take Your place
to feel the warmth of Your embrace
help me find a way
to bring me back to You
You're all i want
You're all i've ever needed
You're all i want
help me know You are near
remember this song and others like it? songs in which you confess that God is all you want, that God is all you've ever needed, that there is none like Him. remember songs such as this?
remember singing them? in church? with God's family?
remember?
remember why you could sing it? remember why when you sang, you sang from the deepest bowels of your being? remember the feeling where every pore and every cell and every electrical impulse in your body was crying out, desperate and hungry for God's touch?
remember?
remember the miracles, big and small, that God placed at points in your life? remember the times when you emerged victorious out of the desert and into the oasis where God was waiting for you? remember the goosebumps you got when you flipped open the Bible and read a verse out loud?
remember?
where are you now?
why arent you in church where you belong? why are you running away from the very One whom you've been so hungry and thirsty and all excited for? why have you given up the race? why have you stopped struggling?
do you think you've been forgotten? read 1 Chronicles. names. names were recorded in history. names that even bible scholars dont know the stories behind are recorded and passed down the generations in the Bible. the Bible. i cant remember the names of every person i've met since the day i could talk. but God remembers the names of each creation he has fashioned. He remembers.
He remembers you. He remembers the times He watched over you when you were so tired that you had to close your eyes and rest. He remembers the times He was so tickled at being sought and found by you. He remembers throwing huge parties in Heaven when you rejoiced in Him. He remembers sending angels to comfort you when you were sad. He remembers you.
do you think you've been forgotten by the people you've met in church? we remember you. do you not know we've wept tears for you? do you not know we've prayed so fervently and passionately for you? do you not know we are so afraid and so sorrowful, yet so full of hope for your return?
even if it takes you till your deathbed to return to Christ, we will keep praying for you, we will keep hoping for you and we, ourselves, will keep on running hard after God.
but i hope. i hope and i pray that it will not take you long to return to the One whom you belong to.
remember when you closed your eyes you could see Jesus smiling at you?
remember?
