peace . love . joy

"if you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed"

i never really thought of that saying until recently. now that i come to think of it, it's true : you cannot know the meaning of disappointment, if you did not have expectations of something or someone.

so wrapped up in our own worlds, few of us have really been able to display the virtues of selfless-ness all our lives. that in all we do, we think of others, never ourselves first. to me, that is impossible. because no matter what you think of, it always boils down to me, Me , ME. that's just the way humans are. practically no exceptions.

i'm a little cautious about the whole idea of "human nature" and our "natural inclinations \ tendencies" because the line between nature and human-influenced is, at least to me, quite a blurry one especially when it comes to character.

anyhow, i was disappointed yet again by, surprise, myself.

the worst thing to be disappointed in is yourself. that holds true for some, myself included.

if you take the arguement of the earlier mentioned saying, reason is because i expected too much of myself. simple as that.

pride.

i have too much of it in me.

pride, too much loitering in the imaginary world, and the assumption that everything's all right. terrible mix, i assure you.

not going to go into details here. but let's just say certain things irritate you, in an effort not to use the p*** word. and in my case, little things make life joyful and little things also have the capacity to irritate me no end. when i get angry with something (usually someone having done something, actually), i have to pause and take a breather for fear of doing \ saying something i would later regret. and in that time, i think why exactly am i angry. and it comes down (more often than not) to myself. outwardly, i blame others, inwardly, i blame myself. and that sucks. because i end up being disappointed in myself and really angry with myself. and noone and nothing can cool me down, except myself.

the "self" really is an interesting being. gosh!

cant believe i actually cried because of that stupid thg.

but, as always, gOd has a plan. and His plan is always the best. and it will always work out. and when i look back, i would most probably not have it any other way. *see, i remember my stuff well, hah*

i dont doubt that, dont take me wrongly. i dont doubt that He always has a plan, and that His plan is always the best, and it will always work out, and when i look back, i would most probably not have it any other way. i dont doubt that.

hah

just thought of something. i was upset b4 because of my German oral test. i disappointed myself, and my teacher (who said so herself that it was disappointing). and at that moment, i was really down. felt that nothing could cheer me up. you know, one of those moments where you felt that if you could turn back time, you would without hesitation? but somehow, i cant remember what really happened, i managed to pull myself back together *thank gOd i am not humpty-dumpty* and move on.

this disappointment is far greater in magnitude as compared to that one. perhaps that one was a warning \ test for me by gOd. to slowly get me accustomed to disappointments and setbacks for a major one. not say accustomed, lah, but more like, hmmm. what's that word? maybe "used to"? so that i wont feel like it's the end of the world and try to kill myself.

in that sense, yes, i am thankful. and i always have the assurance that gOd will always be there for me. and other people who think about me when i dont expect them to.

i guess not expecting anything is great. makes the surprise sweeter.

but is that really possible?