peace . love . joy

on monday (04092006) , when we had the briefing for YMLC..we were given cards to write wad gOd prompts us to write..wad we can hope to expect frm the conference..

MingHui said to be careful wad we write on the piece of card we each received ..because frm his experience, wad he wrote came true..

i was feeling abit tired spiritually b4 the meeting..like i was doing wad i was doing (ie. teaching the sec 2s, going for pcm, going to church) simply out of habit..it was a ritual..no more significance..and i was constantly convicted of this..i jus thought wldnt it be easier if i jus gave up..live my life like a non-christian..so much easier..but smhow, i jus cldnt..like gOd wldnt allow me to simply give up so easily..i was realli tired of struggling.. (think that's the closest way i can describe my recent past so far)

so obviously, my first request that i wrote on the card was to ask gOd to answer the question :
"why do You want me back?"

in my view, i was a good for nothing..jus simply cldnt stir myself up again..

guess wad? gOd answered my question on the very last day of YMLC..

during morning worship, i asked gOd the qn again..and He gave me a vision of a father and a daughter..and i understood..i was His daughter..nothing i do can change that fact..nothing i do can make Him love me any more or less than He already does..there's no reason why He loves me..jus the simple fact that i was His kid..and i was the prodigal's daughter..His precious..such simple logic and i cldnt accept it til ytd moring during service..i'm so glad gOd is patient with me..so thankful..

i learnt to be more open..and more thankful..(i've said this b4) smtimes it takes others to voice their unhappiness and wad they perceive they need..that makes u think and realise that u already have wad they long for..and jus makes u thankful that u have it..

kinda interesting that gOd spoke to me very clearly only on the last day..i was jus so overwhelmed with emotion and awe and gratefullness that i was standing in gOd's presence that i jus cried..jus cldnt control myself..

i was convicted of my slpy-ness during the night-time services..my eyes clnt focus at all..and i was realli struggling to keep awake..it was like torture for me..(i usu slp at around 9/10 Singapore time..so that wld be Batam 8/9 pm)..i jus so longed for gOd's forgiveness..and i knew He forgave me willingly..and led me into another "revelation"..that He was with me even though i was in dreamland..He kept me safe and sound while i slpt..He let me enjoy long deep dark undisturbed restful sleep while He kept watch over me..for that i am grateful..

while pple were singing songs to gOd, the Spirit filled me and i prayed with fervour and deep conviction..it prompted me to pray for things and pple then and there..i dont know how, but my mind was filled with name after name after name..and gOd replied me each time i prayed..i remember praying especially for Gabriel, Hannah, Mukapor, Tanxingum, Nilintou, my missionary aunt..

i learnt wad being "slain" meant..i learnt different ways of worship..all i felt was beautiful to the Lord..as i looked around (in a half-daze on the second night) and saw pple kneeling, crying, praying, speaking in Tongues, joining each other in prayer..i jus knew gOd was realli honoured here..and i knew He was here..

i think it's quite possible that gOd may be calling me to be a missionary in future..that it is His long-term goal for me..it is wad He has in store for me in my future..my mentor, Judy challenged me to go for a longer mission trip..mebe 2-3 mths..to test the water further..to see if i realli am suited for missions..and how i wld "survive" on a longer term without Singaporean creature comforts..she said that having the love and the passion for the pple is most important..to which i agreed thoroughly..to be willing to learnt new languages and cultures..to accept different traditions..comes after..

hold me accountable to that, someone..

wad i found most interesting was the theme for this yr's YMLC : undying passion

i didnt know wad the theme was til we were gathering at Harbourfront and gotten our files for the conference..it's like gOd was realli bent on getting me back..i am thankful He went practically all out for me..

when i went there, i cld safely say my flame was dying..almost gone..if a small breath is breathed onto my flicker, it wld die out..

when i came back, i feel recharged..all ready to go out for Christ..

i know it isnt going to be easy..i know i may fail again..but i know gOd is there for me again..

u know wad, MingHui was right..all my 7 "requests" & "expectations" i wrote on the card were answered..gOd bothered to answer all i wanted and needed answered..

thank You Lord for caring to answer me..thank You Lord for loving me..thank You Lord for meeting me, strengthening me, teaching me, humbling me down..thank You for the friends i've made..thank You for teaching me to listen more and to talk less..thank You for convicting me of wad i did & did not do which displeased You..thank You for mentors and more matured friends i can be held accountable to..thank You for making each of us different and yet the same..thank You for keeping me receptive to wad You have to say to me..and wad You want me to see, hear and learn..thank You for instilling in me an eye which lets me see simple thgs and be thankful for them..

Lead me now, Lord..in whichever direction You want me to head..let me not turn back..teach me Your ways..

amen

gOd bLEsS

me